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239. Lay it down to take it up


Hey Ash…. You wanna talk about it?  I’d rather not Lord to be honest. But they’re watching Ash. The people Ash. MY people Ash. The people that I died for. The people that know my name but don’t experience my presence. The people that experience my presence but don’t truly know my heart. 

The people that watch the world but don’t obey my Word. The people that obey my Word but refuse my Spirit. The people that are like you, and the people that are not like you. The people that look up to you and the people that look down on you. The people that make mistakes, the people that repent, and the people that don’t. The people that love you, the people that hate you, and everyone else in between. The people that grow and the people that refuse to. The rich man and the beggar. The Jew and the Gentile. The ones holding the stones.

Get up for them. I need you to.  

Lord I can’t. Jesus, I don’t want to go back out there. 

Your life is not your own. You promised. 

(And that’s the thing about giving Jesus your yes. The Lord will call you out on it when He needs to remind you of exactly who you are and who your Spirit belongs to.) 

He is a jealous God. He reminds me of this often.

Lord I am a mess, this is a mess. My flesh doesn’t wanna, not one bit. My life has been torn apart mostly because of multiple rushed decisions, delayed obedience and even flat out disobedience on my part over the years that looked and felt like you but wasn’t.

I can’t make any more mistakes. 

Tell me something I haven’t heard before Ash? Oh, and you will. Don’t act like you’re above mistakes, humanity isn’t.

Lord I did the two cokes no ice. I did the evangelism. I did the ask, I feel like I’m going crazy. Let me sit down. I told you I wanted out. 

And I told you, you are MINE. 

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.

I am the only one that can save you from yourself Ash, but you’re going to have to surrender. 

Lord it’s been 4 years since Daniel Keech came into my life, the two of you turned it all upside down and then…

And then what Ash? You were impatient and rushed into something else instead of going through the process with me and THEN tried to bring me into the consequences of your disobedience and impatience and stupor of humanity….

…… Lord

Ash……..

(Insert gut wrenching personal secret place repentance here)

Lord Jesus, and you’re going to tell me that out of no where he’s showing up out of the blue because you told him to go lay hands on me and heal my blood to avoid a transfusion, ending 6 months of medical turmoil? That’s what’s we are doing here?  I don’t deserve this. This is crazy. I’m going crazy.

No, you’re going to Barnes and Noble Ash and Daniels here to get his wife. I sent him to save your life. 

Lord Jesus I am not telling this man that we are going to Barnes and Noble. He’s going to think I’m nuts. 

He’s Daniel Keech Ash. You’re safe. Go to page 24. (P.S. He already knows you’re nuts)

And with those words I saw a section of the book store and a leather purple book. I didn’t know what kind of book it was or what was in it. I saw the cover had no writing and etched in the dark purple leather were scrolls and designs that I couldn’t quite place but I would know when I saw them. 

We finished our Chick fil a in Morgantown and I turned to Daniel and asked, are you ready for a Jesus treasure hunt? We headed to Barnes and Noble and I tried to describe what I was looking for. We walked back for just a bit, and there it was. 

I picked it up, the purple leather felt like heaven in my hands, the edges of each page trimmed in gold with a shimmer that sparkles when the light hits it a certain way. 

Immediately, I got that wow factor smack in the face, you know the kind. The kind where Jesus says He’s going to do something and it actually happens in real time. 

There it was, right on page 24. Just as the Lord promised me. Just as He promises all of His children. Daniel dropped to his knees right there in the book store and we both looked at each other in awe thanking the Lord for what He’s doing and for His first gift to us being His truth.

There’s more to come than what lies behind. 

I’m not all the way back, but I’m getting there, slowly, surely, tearfully, dying daily, repenting, and doing my best. 

Here we are weeks later, after completely healed bloodwork results, after a healing trip to Wyoming, and an eye opening trip to Arizona. After the Lord drug me back to Him kicking and screaming, after finding me smoking, drinking and hiding like Adam. After multiple months of crying, cursing, looking back, running from my assignment, from God, and dealing with the repercussions. After lamenting, repenting and being carried around like a snotty mess rag doll for weeks by the man that has never stopped interceding for me since the day that we met 4 years ago….we eloped in our living room. My apartment is gone. My job is gone. Most of my belongings are gone. My old life is gone. My bank account I have had since my first job at DQ is gone. But, most importantly, any desire I had to live for myself is gone, and for the first time in my entire life, I’m fully surrendered to what the Lord is wanting to do. It’s terrifying but in an amazing way that I never expected. 

Jesus told me back in November in NY and again on April 7th that He was coming to get me and bring me home. I had no idea it would be like this. 

Sometimes the Lord sends you an angel or a prophetic word. Sometimes He straight up sends you a man that will slap the fear of Jesus back into your life in the same way Bugs Bunny white glove slapped back in the 90’s, to grow you up, to help straighten your crown, and to remind you of your true identity as a daughter of Zion and of the seriousness of Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross. 

It’s only been 20 days since I moved here 20 days since I finally obeyed the Lord’s Go North and my son is like a completely different kid. My body is detoxing from years of fight or flight, my mind is at ease, and I am finally able to rest.  Many of you that have been with me over the last 5 years or so, remember the Lord saying “Go North Ash”. Many of you have witnessed the consequences of my disobedience in staying behind these last few years. If I was obedient then, my house would have sold before the pipe burst, mold and insurance issue, my knee wouldn’t have blown out, Nash wouldn’t still bring up a few traumatic things that happened from before I got my apartment, I’d have never buried my son, or gotten another divorce and it would have saved a lot of people a lot of trauma and confusion that I am responsible for. Gods word is designed to protect us.

Many of you remember me blogging about the morning before the ordination back in 2022 and how I heard the audible voice of the enemy say “if you get ordained tomorrow you’re dead”. I took the attack on my knee as THE attack, while the enemy used something much more sinister and much bigger to derail years of my life and nearly take it. Free will and fantasy. We wrestle not against flesh and blood unless you count our own. 

I’ll say it again. Don’t be me. Delayed obedience will cost you. Compromise will cost you. It is NOT worth it. 

So while Nash is enjoying his new school like never before Roman’s 8:28 style, we are finally at home, Leah is thriving as a beautiful young lady everywhere she goes with her amazing support system at her dads, and we bless those that curse us; I can rest in the fact that God is good, Jesus is King, the Holy Spirit is in me, and the page always turns; I implore you. Whatever it is that the Lord is asking you to do. Do it NOW. Lay it down. Do not hesitate.

The salvation is through the cross. The victory is in the sacrifice and the obedience. 

I am just a simple mess, trying to be less so Jesus can have more of me, every step of the way. Lay down your life to pick up His cross and watch what unfolds. 

 Philippians 3:7-16 7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Straining Toward the Goal

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 4:8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep:for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety.

2 Corinthians 12:9 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Psalm 119:60 I made haste, and delayed not to keep thy commandments.

Proverbs 11:14 - Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.

Psalms 28:7 - The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

2 Peter 3:9 - The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

Hebrews 13:15 - By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.






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