Months ago I told the Lord I quit. That I was done with ministry, that I was done trying to figure it all out and I sat myself down. One evening in March I was crying on the couch. The kind of snot cry that has you dry heaving and pouring tears over every moment of your past. Every regret, every word, every action, every loss playing over in your mind like a record. I think we have all been there, that moment of wrestling with both the enemy and the Lord. To be honest if He would have shown up I probably would have wanted to fight him. Everything had fallen apart over the last 6 months and there I was, on the tail end of a cancer scare with a transfusion looming over my head like a cloud of death.
As I was laying in a pile of snot, the Lord stopped me in my tracks with the simple phrase "2 cokes no ice". My tears abruptly turned to anger and I yelled "I am not working for you anymore!" at the Lord like I was yelling with every single part of me. He replied sternly "if you don't who will?" and it hit me, taking my breath away. If I don't who will. If YOU won't, WHO will?
I wrestled with the Lord for a moment, I wanted to stay home, I wanted to cry, I wanted to stay in this mess of my flesh being completely ineffective for the kingdom; but years ago I promised "Here I am Lord, send me." and I don't get to go back on that promise now. Nor do I get to choose when the Lord cashes in on it.
With anger and sadness, snot and tears, confusion and obedience I got in my car to find 2 cokes no ice. As I pulled out of the driveway I thought to head to McDonald's in town. Heading in that direction I felt a pull to a local restaurant. As I drove by, it was busy, I was not in the mood for a crowd of people and I kept going, on purpose. I thought to myself, I am not getting out of this car. I am getting 2 cokes at a drive thru and heading home. But the Lord had a different plan. The farther I got into town and away from that local restaurant the greater the tug from the Lord was on my heart to turn around.
Now at this time in my car I am at 5 corners in town full on arguing with the Lord about turning around and going into this crowded restaurant to announce that the Lord has some business to do like a nut. Lord you have me feeling like a nut. I quit. I don't wanna. I am sat down, I am not supposed to. "If you don't who will" and with phrase that I felt a heaviness and depression come over me. In that moment I had a choice. I could push through my insecurities, my fears, my appearance, my mess, my people pleasing, and my religious parameter of being sat down and follow the Lord; or I could give up and go back home.
My fear of the Lord is greater than my fear of people, so I wiped my face, turned the car around, pulled into the local restaurant and decided to head in on one simple phrase "2 cokes no ice" and a feeling of heaviness that went with it to see what happens. They had bottles of pop so I knew to grab 2 cokes and I grabbed a cherry for myself. Luckily everyone was outside except the two young ladies that worked there so I figured it was now or never. I told the young lady sweeping the floor why I was there and she looked at me like she was going to cry. She said it was her first day on the job and she was just thinking about how she was not feeling like herself at all, and how hard that made the day for her. I asked if I could pray with her and offered her a hug. I reminded her how the Lord got me off my couch and literally sent me to find her to lift her up and let her know how loved she was.
I checked out and offered some words of encouragement to the cashier and went out to my car. I held the bag with three sodas and the Lord hit me again, to go back in there, the 2 cokes were for the girls. Again, I had a choice. I thought I was in the clear but no... So I headed back in and gave the girls the cokes letting them know the Lord appreciated them, like the crazy person I am. Heading home the Lord led me to a song that was for that young girl and again, I had a choice, to let it go or to try and get the message to her, so I called the restaurant and told her to write it down and play it when she got off work that evening.
The Lord reminded me that being sent means being obedient, no matter what it looks like, and no matter how much of yourself you have to push out of the way to make it happen. It's never about us, it's about who the Lord reaches through us, His will being done. That's how on earth as it is in heaven happens.
It's taken me a while to learn what it's like to get out of my own way. I'm still a work in progress. I am still learning with every step. I encourage you to keep taking steps in the direction the Lord is leading you, to listen, and to follow the still small voice and see where it can take you. You don't get to decide if the Lord loves you, He does. What you get to decide is how much of you loves the Lord and how much you are willing to be led out of your comfort zone and into the promised land with Him to glorify His name.
Because it's just like the Lord to lead you back to the still waters and to send you an angel in the form of a restored best friend to to remind you what it's like to lie in the green pastures starring at the sky thanking the Lord. I'm slowly learning that it's ok to be ok again. God is good and He will never leave you. I'm a living testimony.
Not only does the Lord send me, but the Lord sent that someone back to me, to lay hands on me and pray over me right before my last blood work appointment in April determining a transfusion or not. And I'm pretty sure to save me from myself and remind me of my worth. My results were completely fine. Another testimony of healing in the name of Jesus, and another reminder why I keep hearing "Go North Ash" like I did 4 years ago. I am eager not to let this pass me by. I have faith in where the Lord is taking me next as I take the leap.
The Lord is reminding me that He is not done with me yet. Through trips, experiences, signs, wonders, dreams and visions that bring His word to life; He reminds me of daily of His Glory.
Jesus is undeniable. He is coming for His bride.
During worship at the retreat in Wyoming I saw the hand of the Lord draw a timeline on a white board. Then His hand swiftly erased a section of that timeline and pushed the two ends together, as if that section of time had never been lost.
The Lord is restoring lost time. He is taking back time spent trapped in demonic thought patterns that have kept you standing still. He is taking back years trapped in cycles of dysfunction. He is taking back your childhood innocence that the enemy has stolen over decades. He is restoring all things and making all things new. He is healing bodies and freeing minds. He is cancelling demonic assignments that have affected generations. He is restoring the years where the enemy had hijacked your assignment. Jesus is setting you free and He is calling you to put your actions where your faith is to move mountains in His name.
Life has it's messes but Jesus has His masterpiece. I can't wait to see what the next season brings.
I pray your next season is led. The only limit is yourself. Get out of your own way in Jesus name.
Isaiah Chapter 43 18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
Job 8:7 - Though thy beginning was small, yet thy latter end should greatly increase.
Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Luke 7:47 - Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
Matthew 7:7 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
Isaiah 6:8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.
Psalms 57:3 He shall send from heaven, and save me from the reproach of him that would swallow me up. Selah. God shall send forth his mercy and his truth.
Jeremiah 30:17 - For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.
Psalms 51:12 - Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Psalms 23:3 - He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Romans 15:13 - Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Psalm 51:10-15Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. 14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. 15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.
Acts 3:19 - Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;
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