17. I need to be honest and say that I’ve been losing my focus lately. I haven’t been as present as I should be in the word and the spirit and it’s showing. I’m falling back into feelings of frustration and defeat. However this time, with the realization that I’m being mentally attacked the difference in how I’m handling what is happening to me leaves me much better off. I’m equipped with how much the word has come alive when I read it, I’m equipped with prayers and ways to overcome my frustrations. I’m equipped with knowing who I am in Christ to realize when the enemy is attacking me.
It’s easy to chalk it up to a bad day, or a bad week and to get into the rut of going through the motions and just trying to get to the next day. It’s easy to slide back into that passive lifestyle. To just say “oh I’m in a bad mood”, or “oh it’s that time of the month”, or “oh I’m just miserable this time of year.” It’s easy because it’s evil. It’s going to take work to break bad habits, to change the way you respond to the thoughts the enemy puts into your head. It’s not going to be an easy fix. It’s going to be a daily decision to strive for excellence in all you do.
It’s been a rough bout starting back to working again. I had no idea how much work went into running a daycare and how absolutely little those folks are respected and how they can be treated by both kids and parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love where I’m working, the ladies I work with and the passion they have for caring for the kids that we have. I love the kids and most of the parents. I really enjoy working with kids but man, oh man, how I am struggling with the way a parent parents their kids and the way a daycare worker has to watch them. It’s a whole different ball game. Mind blown. Straight up mind blown. I can’t correct them like they’re mine and that’s hard when kids don’t listen. I have a whole new level of respect for Teachers of all ages.
So I’ve been a little stressed with getting back into the routine of working and with Nash being on the other side of the center it’s funny because he seems to be a bit more of a whiner because he knows I’m around. I can hear that little shriek and it kills me because I know he’s just being a mommy’s boy or a brat because he’s very well taken care of but it’s not easy hearing his Nash man scream. I’m like can’t I just send him with one of those little pocket tv’s and he can sit and watch guppies all day and chillax?
Does this make me miss office work? Nah. Do I miss my offices with my windows and tv’s? Nah, unless you count when we closed Goldbelt when the contract ended because that is the only office I ever truly miss so much I could cry. Office work and demanding deadlines and pushing and pushing and pushing, Nah I don’t miss that. Dressing up and having to look a certain way to have respect, Nah I don’t miss that. The paychecks, well yeah I miss those but to be honest, I think that’s why I don’t have those checks anymore. I was chasing stature and money and position title and I was sacrificing my family life to make it all happen and it definitely wasn’t worth it. So God took it away.
Now, I’m making so much less but I’m so much happier. I don’t cry out of frustration, I don’t work all night in my office space and ignore Leah anymore. I’m actually happy and focusing on the things that I should be focusing on. Spending more time in the word and knowing the Bible better, spending more time with the kids, working in an atmosphere that is fun and educational for the kids. I have the time off I need to take care of the house and dogs and groceries and all that fun stuff and I have extra time that I can set aside to help others.
It’s funny how God takes away the things you thought you wanted and will always give you what you need.
2 Corinthians 6:8
8 And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
8 And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
Hebrews 13:5
5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Matthew 7:11
11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
So for a few days now God has been nudging me to fast again. I’ve put it off because I am thinking I shouldn’t need to fast all the time. But when the Lord God puts something on your heart and you don’t listen he will give you multiple nudges and what everyone calls “signs”. For example I’ve wanted chicken and I keep saying ok I want Chick fil a before I fast, then it was I want Taco Bell before I fast again, then it was I want LJS chicken before I fast again. So I’m doing this I’m going to barter with God thing that you’d think I’d know better about by now and he’s reminding me, I said no meat each time he’s reminding me, Ash no meat. So today I say ok I will get Arby’s and then fast.
You all know how this is going to turn out by now.... So I go and order my sandwich. I order turkey club with “only turkey, bacon and lettuce”. I said it twice, “only turkey, bacon and lettuce” So I get my sandwich and the kids have their food and shakes and they’re having a blast and I go to reach in the sandwich box to get Nash man a piece of bacon because I was driving and I’m like I’ll just sling some bacon in the back seat for dinner on my way to get my mom of the year award right...well I reach in and my hand is instantly covered in mayonnaise. I’ve never had mayo in my life, anyone who knows me knows I hate mayo, it makes me gag, even the smell is just awful. Everyone knows what my opinion is on all things “salad” that aren’t a salad. Macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw whatever that stuff is. Barf. The white part of an egg was meant for baking cakes and muffins not slimy egg stuff. No just stop.
So I’m instantly mad about my disgusting smelling fingers covered in mayo and it’s on my sleeve and my shirt smells and I’m gagging in the car about to heave and I realize this is what I get for not listening to the Lord. He knows what I hate and he used it to get my attention. No more meat.
What is he using to get your attention?
I even tried when I got home to switch the sandwich upside down and get some good turkey off the bottom and there was mayo on the top and bottom of the sandwich. The top and bottom. The top AND bottom. Not a good piece of turkey to be found. Point made Lord, loud and clear.
Joel 2:12-13
12 “Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning”. 13 Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
12 “Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning”. 13 Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
1 Corinthians 7:5
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
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