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242. Whitewashed Tombs

 

They care Ash. I know Lord. Funny thing is what caring really looks like, eh? Fair enough Lord, fair enough. My flesh wants to rise up, to say a whole lot about a whole lot, but Jesus is my redeemer. He will fight my battles.

But I also have a blog so I’m gonna keep giving this keyboard a tapity tap tap. 😂


I’ve heard the words I love you a lot over the years. The Christian community says it frequently. They call it the love of the Lord. I’ve had a lot of people voicing concerns over the last week and a half. A lot of people have a lot to say in the guise of love, concern and prayer requests. While my flesh wants to remind people to take a look at the phone calls, messages and in person conversations you have had with me over the last few years and to place your opinions and advice in an according place…. Jesus reminds me to step back and let His blood and time paint the picture. 


The Christian folks love those whitewashed tombs. 


No one was concerned when I was crying every night for over a year, anxious, walking on egg shells and back on anti depressants. No one was concerned when I was being attacked and having ministers coming to cleanse the house. No one was concerned when I was being tracked. No one was concerned while I drowned myself in my work, prescriptions, and school, when Leah and I’s relationship was destroyed and while Nash was scared to sleep alone, having nightmares, waking up with scratch marks on his back and spending evenings sitting in front of the tv because I had so much to do that I never had any time for him. No one was concerned when I had nightmares and visions that terrified me. No one was concerned when my reality was being manipulated to the point of near madness. No one was concerned with the emotional trauma I will never speak about because the Lord loves everyone including my ex husband, regardless of how he speaks of me behind my back or the screenshots the Lord had me delete. Time and Jesus will tell my testimony and redeem his. He has his side. I have mine and God has His. God wins, every time. He is that good. No one was concerned when I had a funeral. No one was concerned after that when things got progressively worse. No one was concerned when they were calling for a transfusion, labeling me with B cell lymphoma symptoms and I was wasting away to nothing. No one was concerned when I asked for prayer. No one was concerned with me chasing altar calls and experiences because things never felt just right. No one was concerned when I was like a squirrel in traffic and everyone was yelling which way to go as loud as they could. In fact a few people that say they love me never even got back to me and my then husband wouldn’t even lay hands and pray. No one was concerned when I ran a thousand miles an hour into a hot stove.


No one was concerned when the outside looked like the pretty Christian picture of the happy ending.
But now, now they’re concerned. 


Concerned when I walk out of the burn unit unscathed. Concerned when I want nothing but a simple quiet life behind the scenes with Jesus. Concerned that I’m a stay at home mom. Concerned when I play at the park with my family. Concerned when I pick my son up from school and he’s happy and excited and can sleep through most, if not all of the night by himself. Concerned now that Leah and I are on better terms and she’s doing better than ever. Concerned now that I have family dinners on the deck enjoying the sunshine. Concerned now that I’m in the word and in His presence more than ever before. Concerned when my dog has the biggest say cheese face because he gets dropped onion rings during a lunch date on a Wednesday. Concerned when my mind, food, water and body are clean. Concerned when I’m led to beautiful sunsets almost daily. Concerned when I’m medically and emotionally healed by, resting in, and worshipping Jesus to an extent that I can hardly contain. Concerned when someone is bringing the right correction, loving me in a way that’s making me have hard conversations, change my behaviors, and get to the roots of deep deep things that don’t belong. The underlining roots that do not go away with fasting or deliverance but only through a sanctified life and self reflection. Concerned when the immersing love of Daniel, the rib cage for this rib, has me crying out in repentance to the Lord Jesus for ever being touched by another human being in my life, or even believing the words I love you out of anyone else’s mouths because it was a lie and my harlotry broke His heart. 


Concerned for things they could never understand. 


Make it make sense. 


I’d rather be alone in this now and forever than be a celebrated whitewashed tomb. 


So while everyone has something to say about something. Mostly a timing issue that was my fault because I drug my feet trying counseling to people please when I knew I should have filed last year. While people didn’t see the hours of repentance on our faces, the tears shed or the internal struggle we both faced for months because we love the Lord more than we love each other. While people make their assumptions about who can do what, when, why and how. When time was of the essence and death was at my door. I will take the adultery label placed on me and lay it at the feet of Jesus along with all the others. 


I’ll lay it there right next to my healed blood work results, punching death right in the face.


I do not advocate sin, I do not advocate divorce, but more so, I do not advocate anyone staying somewhere you know you don’t belong and where the Lord is misrepresented behind closed doors.
I do not advocate for whitewashed tombs. I repent for being one. 


The 7 things He hates.

 
1 Corinthians 2:9
9 But, as it is written,
“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
    nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”


Luke 6:38
38 give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”


Matthew 23:27
27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness.

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