Skip to main content

232. How bout that

 

It's funny when you work so hard your entire life to do the right things and they still turn out wrong. I remember the first time my reputation was hurt. When people saw me for a version of myself that I wasn't. I remember how that hurt and how small I felt, knowing that no matter what I said or did, people would think something about me that was against my character. I turned into a perfectionist, into someone who couldn't do wrong because she would get told about it if she did, and there is nothing worse than being told what a horrible person you are when in your heart you're not.  It's funny how certain people or situations can bring out versions of us that we didn't know existed that we use to cope with our surroundings. Like going to dinner with an old friend can bring up old memories. 

Yet here I stand a grown woman with threats being made at me because of a decision to file for divorce. A decision I did not take lightly. A decision that has me outside of the church, outside of who I thought I would be and standing here with Jesus asking where He is taking me next. 

I remember being in 8th grade and a rumor going around about me that was not true at all, but the circumstances and me being in a certain place with certain people led to me missing a week of school crying every day. I remember growing up and saying that I would never let that happen again. 

Yet here I am with that same feeling of people slandering my name. People who know 60-80% of the story but not the whole picture. But it feels so different now. Because this time I am standing next to Jesus, a man that made himself of no reputation and said those without sin cast the first stone...

I am blessed that He fights my battles for me. I am blessed that I don't have to care about my reputation. I am blessed by restoration, by hope and by a future that the Lord has planned. I pray that each and every person that I have met along the way is blessed beyond measure also. Because when people say things when they are hurt, they do so to purposefully hurt other people. That is the work of none other than the enemy himself. The goal is always restoration to Christ and repentance. Repentance being what I practice daily in my walk. Am I perfect, far from it. But will I ever feel the need to point out the flaws of others to exert myself as superior, no. That's not the character of the Lord, nor of myself. So while I could go on with my side of the story, I don't need to.

Do we blame a plant for dying in a certain environment? Or do we change how it was tended to and what it was being fed?

I remember Kathryn Kuhlman saying she could take you to that place and show you where it was that she died. For the longest time I thought that I died the day the Lord got me down and I took the noose off of my neck back in December 2018. But now I know that wasn't it. Not by a long shot.

I remember my encounter with the Lord and the tears of PURE JOY when I realized that this was THE moment. THE moment with JESUS that people remember for their entire lives. I died on April 7th 2024, I can take you to the place that it happened. It was in my car, in a Walmart parking lot on a late morning/early afternoon. I will never be the same. 

Because though the Lord saved me from myself that day in 2018, On April 7th 2024, He saved me from my flesh, from my soul and from every demon left entangled within it. I died to the church and it's ways. I died to religion and the rules the Lord came to break. I died to my thinking and to my addictions. I died to my image and to what people thought of me. I died to the minister that I tried so hard to be. I died to striving, I died to being fake to maintain something that was falling apart behind the scenes including myself and my need for sanity. And I am truly free.

The Lord will always fight my battles for me. Today, in death, its much easier to let Him than I ever thought possible. 

I pray each and every one of you will have that encounter, to know where and when you died and to be able to have the testimony of an encounter with the Lord that forever changed your lives. 

He is chasing down His bride, restoring all things and I want nothing but that, for everyone. Especially those that hurt me. Be blessed in Jesus name. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

240. Back together again

  You know, it's hard when you're growing and walking things out in this life. We look at the world and we point out what's wrong, or what needs changed but we don't realize that the change within us is the most important change needed of all.  The Lord took me to a hallway today. The rooms were all white. In the first room I saw myself about 5 years old. I had crayons and paint and I was dancing to music, painting and coloring these beautiful pictures on the walls. I was praising the Lord and singing as loud as I could. In the second room I was a teenager. I was sitting at a desk. I had colored pencils lined up distinctly in a row, sorted by color. I was coloring on a piece of white paper making a neat picture of a hillside. On top of the hill sat a small white church with a view of the sunset. I had head phones on, jamming out the inside while my composure was quiet and still. In the third room I was in my 20's. I was seated at a dining table. I had a canvas and p...
Post a Comment
Read more

259. The milestones and the mundane

I caught some milestones on my odometer yesterday. I’ve always liked numbers and when they align just right it gives me a little hint of joy. As I was driving the Lord spoke to me about the milestones and the mundane. In the life of Jesus we often think of the milestones. The water to wine, the loaves and the fishes, Lazarus called out of the tomb, walking on water, the sermon on the mount, to name a few. From His birth to His crucifixion there were undeniable times where Jesus made a mark with the work of His hands, the path He walked and the words He spoke. But what about the random Tuesday when he was 15, the time working as a carpenter in the heat of the sun, or the times he shared a simple meal with His family?  There were milestones and there were mundane days and moments that led up to them.  The mundane leads to the milestone.  I was led to Isaiah 41 and in that chapter verse 15 stood out to me. It says “I make of you a threshing sledge, you shall thresh the mount...
Post a Comment
Read more

256. Pray. Fast. Obey.

In prayer this morning I was reminded of the last year and how far I’ve come. How following Jesus Christ, no matter what the outcome, can produce a life you’ve never imagined.  When you stop falling for fear based compromises and truly walk out in faith to what you’re called to do, you’ll experience things beyond your comprehension. You’ll find your true identity when you lose your life in Christ.  I was reminded how messy and treacherous it can appear when the Lord tears through the lives of those called and chosen to Him, to rend you away from the grip of the sin of this lukewarm world; and pulls you in closer than you’ve ever been before. Snatching you from the grave.  A love that pierces every cell of your physical body. A love that transcends time, spirit and matter. An incomprehensible consummation of your entirety.  The jealous love of Jesus Christ our savior, the Lord of our lives. The love made available to each and every one of us through His death and resu...
Post a Comment
Read more