I’d say the hardest thing about this walk with the Lord is actually being like the Jesus we so eagerly preach about. We see leaders turning on other leaders, exposure videos going viral, sheep calling other sheep wolves, wolves truly revealing themselves; and the heart cry I keep feeling from the Lord is that we are all one gun to our head, “deny Jesus or else” experience away from being a Peter before the rooster crows.
And we all act like it couldn’t happen to us.
Maybe the whole point of all of this, is that we can never be enough like Jesus to ever not need Him.
Do you realize how much we need His blood to save us from ourselves?
I’m in a season of seeking, taking things to the Lord in ways I’ve never had to before. Taking my own questions, questions from the world and praying for wisdom on how to move forward.
I’ve been told to keep quiet by man because man calls me a leader, and leaders don’t dare talk about doubting their faith; but when I take it to the Lord, He calls me scribe. He tells me that doubt is a common attack against the body of Christ and He reminds me of the call on my life. The call to those on the fence. The call to those in the fire. The call to the one person that might read one sentence, one day, that the Holy Spirit can use to change one life, for all eternity.
The Lord reminds me that I never called myself a leader, but just a girl that loves Jesus. A girl that has a blog about her life, the way the Lord has turned it upside down, and is blessed to evangelize in Jesus name. When I struggle with my identity He reminds me that I’m His, so here we are.
Here I am, as a woman who has seen the Lord, wanting nothing more than to wish He didn’t exist. Knowing that if I could just say there is no God or that Jesus wasn't real I could justify or explain away my unforgiveness, my hurt and my anger over the last few months. If God didn’t exist then I wouldn’t be failing him by falling into my feelings when I know better but can’t be better.
I know better.
If God didn’t exist it would explain the chaos found in ministries, the horrors of this world, the loss we encountered, and the unexplainable tragedies we all endure. If God didn’t exist…but He does.
And in a way I think that makes it worse. It means we are called to a higher standard.
See, there’s something in a believer, when you encounter the Lord, that refuses to deny the existence of God. No matter how much I want to walk away, I can’t. I’m physically and spiritually unable to deny Jesus as my Lord and Savior or deny His existence. His Holy Spirit within me saves me. I know too much. I’ve seen too much.
I tried ya’ll. Yelling at God, not understanding, wanting to just walk away, in my house, in my kitchen, wanting nothing more than to deny Him all together and to tell Him I’m done. Done with it all. Done for good. That I was done letting Him use my life as a testimony of tragedy to glorify His name. That I was going to pour myself a drink and watch the world burn like the spectator that He must be. I was ranting and raving, talking with my hands going full blast, and I got to the point where I was about to say “and you don’t even exist” when my entire being stopped. On a dime. Frozen.
My mind, my body, my tongue, my voice, my thoughts, instantly and completely froze and I couldn’t physically do it. I stopped dead in my tracks with my heart in my throat, as if I just heard a rooster crow three times.
And it scared the living crap out of me.
I’m talking fear of the Lord.
As I stood there, unable to move, I was flooded with His presence, purified by His conviction and overcome with His love. I was reminded of the writings of Paul and the struggles of the flesh while understanding them on another level.
The Lord said plainly in that moment, “I pray your faith never fails you, Ash” and I lost it, crying in His sweet, fierce conviction because it almost had.
But my Lord, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, intercedes for me.
He died for me.
And He has done the same for you.
He loves you.
The Lord reminded me that unless we come to him like children, we will never enter the kingdom of Heaven. It doesn’t mean come in an entitled juvenile manner or come to be taken care of; and it certainly doesn’t mean come to God with everything already figured out.
The Lord put on my heart that it means to come with an innocent wonder, to come with real, honest questions, with your concerns, your thanksgiving and praise. It means coming to Him UNFILTERED. It means coming to Him with a desire to work with, build up and love on others as a part of the body of Christ. It means to come to Him with a pure heart that desires to be filled with truth. To come to Him not understanding the values of this world but only seeking the value of His sacrifice.
The Lord can’t give His wisdom to those that are full of themselves. If you act like you know, you probably don’t. If more leaders acted like they didn’t, more would get done.
You never know what it may take to bring the Peter out in you…no matter who you are.
So as a girl with a blog that loves Jesus, and refuses to cast stones, I will join with the Lord in praying and interceding for you, that your faith will never fail you. Even when the people in our lives, our experiences, the world around us or our current circumstances do.
I pray your Faith will never fail.
Hebrews 4:15-16
15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
1 John 1:8-2:2
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 2 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: 2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.
Luke 18:16 But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
Matthew 18:2-5
2 And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them 3 and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives concerns
Luke 22:31-32 31 “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, 32 but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
Romans 8:31-39 God's Everlasting Love
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Roman’s 7:7 The Law and Sin
7 What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” 8 But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. 9 I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. 10 The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. 11 For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. 12 So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.
13 Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. 14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
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