224. Use both Oars

Be careful what you ask for, especially when asking from the Lord. I prayed a while back, asking the Lord to help me understand my husband’s anger and boy oh boy did He; right in time for Christmas. They say that idle hands are the devil's workshop and they are not wrong. It's actually a translation of Proverbs 16:27-29 that I will post below. There are a lot of things I’m learning as I continue to read the Bible, yet I always seem to fall back on realizing that the more I know, the less I know; and that I know nothing but Jesus Christ Crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2. 

Nothing else makes sense.

As I sat with the Lord over the Holiday weekend, I was broken. I had too much time on my hands and the kids were with their dads. We had our Christmas yesterday so I was excited for that, but not having them on Christmas morning is always a little hard for me. This Christmas I was struggling emotionally, and as per the norm, when we are down the enemy uses it. Maybe it's just me but it seems as if coming into ministry over the last few years has put a target on my back. When we are a threat to the enemy, he will not back down on trying to get us out of the game. For real. All the enemy has to do is get you to sit down and be quiet. That's it. Just knock you off your game a little. Steal a little joy, steal a little patience, steal some self control. So as I am sitting there trying to wake up Christmas morning, I am bombarded with this attack against my thoughts and a few days later, a phone call from a friend. 

The enemy was whispering in my ear "it's Christmas and the only kid you'd even get to see would be the one in the cemetery" "What kind of mom are you?" "So is this how your dream Jesus life was supposed to turn out?" "Where's your God you celebrate now, now while you're crying? Where?" "If your God is so big, why does he make you feel so small? So invisible to him?" and in my usual Ashley fashion as I am crying my eyes out, I start casting these thoughts down left and right. 

But just because we can rebuke and cast things down, doesn’t mean they stop. Just because we walk with Jesus doesn’t mean this walk will be easy. As a matter of fact it’s harder and a lot of times it down right sucks. 

A day or two after Christmas I get a phone call from a friend. This person was someone that I was close to and have known almost my whole life. After I lost RJ she was going to come meet me for dinner but she had to cancel. I was pretty bummed out about because I really needed someone to just eat and talk and feel normal with again. But I let it go and I didn’t really think about it. Until she drunkenly called to ask me for forgiveness because she had to cancel in order to have an abortion because she’s never wanted children. 

So Lord…let me get this straight. You’re telling me that two months after I lost my son, I have someone calling me asking me to forgive them for what they just did but they’re glad they did it and they don’t want me to be mad at them. 

Lord…. I can’t right now. But I have to. Because she’s on the other end of the phone expecting Jesus to come out of my mouth. 

So I kept it together. I forgave, I told her about how the Lord forgives, I told her the truth of repentance and that she was still loved and that I was here if she needed anything. And by the end of that conversation my anger turned to compassion. My heart was hurting for her while my mind was telling the Lord I was officially done with 2023 now.

When we go through things there’s a reason for it. I remember at the beginning of the year the Lord speaking clearly to me that if I held 24 hour prayer once a month that He would change my life. 

2023 has completely changed my life. He kept His word.

I’m trying to find out what that looks like for the future.

I’m grasping at the reason for it, all while knowing that I have no right to demand one and also knowing that God has no responsibility to explain anything to me or anyone else. 

I’m praying and asking the Lord. 

I tell him I’m in the middle of no where 

And he tells me to “use both oars” 

I see the nighttime waters of a dark ocean. It’s quiet, calm. I see myself in a boat with the kids. I see myself trying to get us anywhere and I’m going in circles. I’m trying to row, I’m trying to comfort, I’m trying to calm and I’m realizing that no matter what I do I’m getting no where. I can feel a storm rolling in by the changes in the air, the wind and the waves. It’s dark and I feel so lost.

The waters start to get rough and the fear starts to creep in. I’m frantically rowing. Frantically trying to figure it all out and getting no where. I’m going in circles. Once again I hear the Lord say “use both oars”. 

There’s law, and there’s love. 

You will go in circles if you fail to acknowledge and understand both. 

Too much law is a religious spirit. 

Too much love is lawlessness. 

To get anywhere in 2024, we need to use both oars. 

Law and love. 

Truth and Spirit. 

But, in order to use both oars I have to let go of things and give them to God. I have to trust Him to comfort my kids while I row, I have to trust that as I focus on what I need to do to get us to safety that the Lord will make sure they don’t fall in the water. That He will hold back the wind and the rain. I have to count on Him and not on my own efforts. I have to trust that the Lord has my back. 

I have to let go of all the things I can’t do and focus on the one thing that I CAN do to move forward. Surrendering it all to Jesus. 

I have so much more to give to the Lord. I have so much more to work through. So much more to let go of. So much more to strip myself of in order to be worthy of His call. I am still broken, I am still healing and in some ways I’m more broken now than ever before. As I handed my broken expectations and fruitless efforts over to the Lord, I was finally able to row with both oars. 

I was able to move forward in the direction He called. I was able to see the light that was in the distance and focus on it, ignoring the storm around us. I was able to set the course straight again. 

2024 is the year to let go of the things you’re not called to and to embrace your unique walk with Jesus. 

As we go into 2024 using both oars, giving it all to Jesus Christ. My focus remains the same. To grow in my walk with the Lord. To return to my first love in Him. To be obedient to the simple ways He calls me to act and to take a rest when I need to take a rest. 

2024 will be a rest year. It’s time for a much needed break. Not a beak to be idle, but a break to be. A break to heal. A break to become. A break to mom. A break to plow. A break to plant. A break to water. So God can bring the increase He has planned. 

Isaiah 54:2 - Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;

Isaiah 65:24 - And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.

Psalms 119:32 - I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge my heart.

1 Corinthians 3:6-9 6 I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 7 So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. 8 He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. 9 For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building.

Proverbs 16:27-29 TLB  27 Idle hands are the devil’s workshop; idle lips are his mouthpiece. 28 An evil man sows strife; gossip separates the best of friends. 29 Wickedness loves company—and leads others into sin.

1 Corinthians 2:2 ESV

2 For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

Colossians 3:2 - Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Proverbs 4:25 - Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee.

1 Corinthians 10:13 - There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

1 Peter 3:17 - For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

Isaiah 43:16 Thus says the LORD, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

James 1 to James 5. Good stuff.