What is your worth Ash? How do you measure up? It’s funny how much of the world is focused on that very question. We worry about what others think of us, how we look, how well we are doing at work or how well our family is doing at home. We focus on numbers. Numbers on the scale, numbers in our bank accounts, numbers on report cards. We chase metrics of status like new cars, nice houses or designer shoes and clothing. We celebrate weddings and baby showers like they’re red carpet events. We treat holidays including Christmas and Easter like idols, by offering the best gifts or attempting to get the most likes from having the best presentations. We worry more about the number of people filling the congregations seats than we do about the number of lives being changed by the Lord. We don’t realize that our entire culture is selfish and self driven to distraction. What happens when you strip it all away?
Who are you really?
When you realize that both you and the Lord have seen and know everything you’ve ever said and done, who are you?
Are you the woman at the well? Are you David? Are you Mosses? Are you Noah? Are you the prodigal son or daughter? Are you the one burying your money in the ground? Are you the naked adulterous woman thrown in the dirt in front of a crowd? Have you ever been? Could you ever be?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Life is redeemable, YOU are redeemable.
Grief is weird. The loss of my son has thrown me into this whirlwind of could have, should have, would have. Self worth is something I’ve been struggling with my entire life. Never quite feeling like I measure up. Getting 99 things right and hyper focusing on the one thing I’ve gotten wrong. To be honest, this has all felt like one huge wrong to me, ever since we lost baby RJ on October 8th. It’s been hard for me to keep casting down and rebuking thoughts of what I could, should or would have done differently had I known we were in any danger at all.
It’s this back and forth of knowing that God is good and still feeling really bad, that can drive a faith filled Christian to the brink of insanity. Cave and a nap anyone?
Over the course of the retreat weekend, I needed the Lord to touch my heart. I needed Him to heal some really deep areas, and He met me where I sought Him. Like He always does. ✝️❤️🩹
I was praying during worship Friday evening and the Lord decided to speak to me about my worth to Him. About OUR worth to Him.
In this vision, I was barefoot dressed in a long white gown that came down to my ankles. It wasn’t fancy. It was simple, light, cotton, flowing and clean. As I began to walk I could feel it moving almost fluid above my feet in this effortless breeze. I felt completely stripped bare, stripped of everything, vulnerable, naked, and completely transparent. As if I were as clear as glass, and the Lord could see right through every part of me. Even the parts I try to keep hidden from myself.
I was alone in what appeared to be an endless room, it was brightly lit with a visual of white, as far as I could see, in every direction all around me. As I took a few steps, I could hear the soles of my bare footsteps echoing off the shiny white and gold marble floor.
I felt the presence of the Lord all around me. It was so loving, so peaceful, but so forceful, and righteous all at the same time. My instinct was to bow my head in shame, He knows it all. He knows every sin, every word, every thought, since birth. Even on my most obedient and righteous day, I wretch in the filth of my flesh. We can’t compare or even fathom how Good He is. We truly can’t.
I began to cry (in real life and in the vision) and pray “Lord I’m nothing. Lord I can’t. Lord I want to quit. Lord it’s too hard. Lord I don’t want to be in this war anymore. Lord I failed my husband, I failed my son, I failed my kids and I am failing You. I can’t do it, I’m sorry.”
All of a sudden I looked up through my tears to see a giant balance scale in the room. I felt the Lord pick me up and place me on one side. My old worn Bible was there waiting for me. I kneeled down and picked it up, holding it tight to my chest. As I brought my Bible to my chest I felt my side of the scale lowering down to the ground.
On the other side of the scale the Lord began to place things like money, a car, a house, TV’s, trips, concert tickets, sports event tickets, conference agendas, books, computers, phones, food, water, clothing, coffee, movies, etc. No matter how high the pile of material items on that side of the scale became, my side of the scale, with only little ole me and my little ole Bible, was firmly planted on the ground.
It was in that moment that the Lord cemented it in my spirit that I am enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I repented for all the times that I’ve felt the need to strive, to be perfect or to perform. I repented for falsely holding myself accountable when it wasn’t my fault. I repented for all the times I saw myself as less than how the Lord sees me. I repented for not seeing how amazing it is to simply hold a Bible alone in a room with the Lord. No bells, no whistles, no gimmicks, no need to prove anything or be anyone, just time spent together, for me and my Lord.
That’s the key. That’s it. I can’t sell you a fancy program or pray a stronghold out of your life; but I can point you to spending time with the ONLY ONE who can. Spend time with the Lord. Spend time in His word. Spend time in His presence and spend time in His body of believers. Repent when you get convicted, and crucify your flesh. Take your thoughts captive and seek Jesus like never before.
We can read the word, we can hear the sermons, but when the Spirit of the Lord shows up and heals something in you, that you’ve struggled with your whole life, you can’t deny it. When the Lord puts his finger in that wound, He heals, He delivers and He sets free.
We were going to leave after the message but we were double parked and decided to stay for the ministry.
Little did I know it was all part of Gods plan because the Lord sent Camina from Philadelphia all the way to Ambridge to speak a word to my spirit during the ministry that evening. She spoke a word from the Lord “You are not a failure.” She didn’t know about my conversation with the Lord hours earlier during the worship.
She sat with Regis and I and she asked him if he could look at me and tell me “You didn’t fail me.” When he looked me in the eyes and spoke those words to me, I broke down crying. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that from him, even though he never really thought it to begin with. I didn’t realize how much the enemy was using that thought and feeling of failure to torment me. She began to hold me and pray in tongues over me as I was just screaming and crying as all this heaviness was leaving me. The Lord knew what I needed. He brought the kingdom body together, He met me where I sought Him. He will do the same for YOU.
Seek Jesus like never before. He is your hope. He is your salvation. He is your deliverer. He will meet you where you seek Him. He will use His kingdom body of believers, He will orchestrate His plan for your life. Be obedient. Be willing and be listening. His relationship with YOU matters to HIM. Give Him the access and ability to move in those deep areas of your life. He wants to set YOU free!
Romans 5:3-5 3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
Matthew 10:31 - Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Romans 5:8 - But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:10 - Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
Galatians 2:20 - I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Psalms 73:26 - My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Galatians 6:7 - Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Proverbs 24:16 - For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.
Proverbs 28:13 - He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
Psalms 55:22 - Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Acts 22:16 - And now why tarriest thou? arise, and be baptized, and wash away thy sins, calling on the name of the Lord.
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