219. Do You Know You're a Prodigal?

In normal Ash overshare fashion, I feel the need to write again. I feel the need to cry, to scream to vomit emotions and words all over the place. I'm adjusting in the flesh to change; school changes, work schedule changes and drastic life changes all swirling around in my mind and on my to do. My sleep has been erratic, and rest feels like something I used to have but can't find. It's been a few weeks of this, emotions on high, not feeling well physically and all the things.  Last night I broke. Last night I cried looking at myself in the mirror, and I asked the Lord if I could come home. 

As I stood there facing that mirror, all the worldly things were swirling in my head; my emotions, other peoples emotions, random thoughts I've needed to take captive, overwhelming feelings that I am behind on things in school, practice and work from not feeling well, feeling guilty and attacked with shame because I want to do more, or be more for my husband, my kids, my employer and the people who need me, missing Leah, wanting to do more fun things with Nash, the enemy telling me to sit down and shut up because I'm weak. I looked at my reflection and really looked at it. I began to cry and the only words I could get out were "Lord I want to come home." "Can I please come home?" 

I wasn't sure at that moment, why those words came out. Yet just like that I felt His presence, His peace, and this ability to strip myself back down to nothing. To let go of all the things I was trying to do to be "good" or not fail. To come crying in my mess of insecurities wondering if this life thing ever gets any easier. Spoiler alert...the Bible says it gets worse. Ugh the agony. We have been blessed with the gift of faith. Of Hope and an expectant future as children of God. Yet many times I find myself in a puddle of tears overwhelmed with the weight of "all the things." This is why I resist being labeled as "leadership". Leadership gets judged, James 3 says leadership better know what's up. Yet how many people fail to share what they are going through because they're leaders? Yet how many people fail to share what they are going through because they're leaders? How many times have we crippled our churches and the spiritual health and spiritual growth of our congregations because our pride keeps our leaders from sharing the HOW to get through the heavy things they deal with because leaders are supposed to have it all together.  How many blogs have I held onto for fear of how they will be perceived? How have I hidden myself in such a short time? I felt the Lord there with me last night in a way I haven't in a long time. I felt the heaviness lift and I went to bed to sleep peacefully, all night for the first time in a very long time.  

I woke up this morning and went into that same bathroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror and I heard the Lord say, "Do you know you're a prodigal, Ash? Do they know its safe to come home?" In that moment, the lord showed me that many don't consider themselves lost. Yet they are lost in their mess, in their minds and in their emotions. They've taken the inheritance that the Lord died for on the cross and they have squandered it. They have taken the gift of salvation and replaced it with doubt. They have taken the gift of Hope and replaced it with fear. They have taken the gift of Love and squandered it for hate. We have prodigals in our churches who don't even know they are lost. 

They're lost in their emotions, in the routines, in the mundane, they are lost in the scrolling, in the gossip and at the bars, they are lost in our churches to fear of not being perfect, fear of rejection, fear of being labeled lukewarm. We have leaders that are prodigals, lost to their selfishness, squandering their chance at heaven for a chance for pride and control. 

No matter where you are, come home. If you're a leader afraid of being judged, come home, if you're stuck in your mess, come home, if you didn't even realize that the busyness of this world has eaten your time and stolen you from your first love, COME HOME. 

He is waiting for every prodigal, even me when I don't even realize that I have become one. Lord I repent. 

Luke 15:11-32

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ 20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. 23 And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

25 “Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ 31 And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. 32 It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’”