Testimony time!! Did you ever come to the realization that certain things you may consider as part of your personality actually aren’t? Did it ever occur to you that there are things we have struggled with since childhood, and identified with, that could truly be overcome by the power and presence of Jesus Christ?! Do we really fathom and obtain what we have access to as sons and daughters of the most high God?!
Last night the Lord set me free from something I thought I’d never “grow out of”. Fear of entrapment. This feeling of being trapped in tight spaces, or feeling confined when hugged or overly touched has been a struggle for as long as I can remember.
I have always hated being confined or tightly held for long periods of time. It would bring up this panic in me that was hard to describe. It would start as an unsettling in my stomach and a feeling that I needed to walk or move. Then it would progress to the point where it honestly felt like my stomach was going to crawl out of my body and eat me alive while my heart exploded.
There were times in school growing up where it would hit me and it would be such a struggle to sit in those chairs waiting for the bell to ring. I’d constantly be shifting around or trying to get a hall pass to take a walk.
There were times as an adult during missions when flying or sharing vans with lots of people, or times I held groceries on my lap or was packed in to travel long distances where I’d be driven almost crazy. Physically and mentally I was fine on the outside while on the inside was freaking out. All the time never asking for prayer because it’s just a part of who I was. I just needed space and I’d be fine when we got there, or when I got it.
At work it would show up as anxiety and overachieving. If I felt behind or like I was struggling to keep up, it would drive me crazy and I’d constantly be shifting and moving around like I was in a panic as my stomach turned.
At home it was just hard to share space and be cuddly. My whole life I’ve been that way. I could lay on Dan’s chest but if he’d put that other arm around me and squeeze or anything like that, I’d get this feeling of I’m trapped get off. This went back through my other relationships and I have even experienced it with the kids too.
No matter who it was, I just needed space and it would physically make me ill to the point where I had to move my body or I’d think my heart and stomach would explode. I always thought it was just a part of my personality. It’s part of who I am. I just need space.
But the thing is, I don’t want to need my space anymore!! I want to be super cuddly, I want to be crazy affectionate, I want to have this amazing intimate relationship with my husband and the Lord where we can connect and enmesh in every way possible and every time he holds me tight I was freaking out and squirming around.
This has bothered me for so long and last night, I was done, I had reached my breaking point. I was so frustrated when Dan put his arm around my head to pull me closer and I felt that turning in my stomach. I broke down and stared crying. I hated that feeling so bad.
I didn’t understand where it was coming from I didn’t understand why I was always like this to the point that I even hated wearing tight clothes.
I didn’t understand why I was reacting like this and I just wanted it GONE!
In my mess I felt the Lord put the ask not verse on my heart and I wanted to ask for help but I couldn’t. It was like my spirit knew I needed to say “will you please pray for this fear to be broken off of me” but I couldn’t get it out.
For almost 10 mins I struggled in tears to get those words out of my mouth. All the while I’m crying on Daniel’s chest as he’s just praying in tongues over me and then I finally spoke it out, will you please pray to break this fear? As soon as those words left my lips the presence of Jesus came like never before.
Daniel held me tight, praying, and I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried my entire life as the presence of the Holy Spirit washed over us.
I cried out. Jesus please take this. I don’t want to be this way. I’ve always been this way and I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want it.
And as I’m in hysterics crying on my husband’s chest the Lord shows me a memory of being little and playing with my dad on the couch. He showed me climbing around and then getting behind his back and him squishing back on me and it all came rushing back.
It was just a joke back then but I was squeezed in there tight and I remember not being able to breathe and yelling a lot and then I had this like lighting bolt hit my heart and just explode it like I was terrified I was going to die in that moment and something changed. I had no idea that this was connected to that.
From that moment I have always had a hard time being enclosed, being in rooms with doors shut, even down to issues trusting men, and I’ve always had fear of being trapped or being in tight spaces for long periods of time. Fear had manifested itself in my life in so many damaging ways and Jesus was here to take it all away.
He took me back to that vision of me behind my dad stuck in the couch. He did the eyes on me two fingers thing and He said clearly. “It’s just your body, eyes on me” He repeated it over and over as I went through that same experience but in a different way, with my eyes locked on His, through the discomfort, through the fear, through crying out for help and being ignored, through that I’m going to die moment and I kept my eyes on Him. And it was finished. Just like that. Eyes on Jesus.
I cried in Dans arms for a while as he held me TIGHT. The feeling of freedom, the feeling of lightness and emptiness and joy and peace.
When I woke up today I felt different. I felt so clear minded. I felt so refreshed. I felt so free. I felt so loved. But more than any feeling is the truth that the Lord will never leave us or forsake us. That His word is true. That He is a GOOD GOOD father. That His ways are above ours and that we may never understand His what, why and when; because it’s all about who He is!
On the way to take Nash to his dads today we drove on a highway that runs through the towns I lived in over the last 19 years. To be honest that section of the drive each week had always been hard. Memories, failures, what if’s, and the heaviness of the enemies assignments there had always weighed on me as we passed through twice a week. I felt trapped by my past every time I drive through there.
Until today.
Today was a new day!
The freedom I felt on our drive tonight has me speechless and wanting to scream it from the rooftops at the very same time. ALL GLORY TO JESUS!!! Devil you are a liar!
This is your reminder not to give up. I had struggled with this for a long time. I had prayer for fear before and levels of it left, but this one thing would stick. I just didn’t realize what it was. I thought it was who I was.
But JESUS!!!
He will always show up. He came, He rescued me, He called me His. Just like He will for you.
This is your reminder that it’s just your body. Eyes on Jesus.
This is your reminder to be kingdom minded and eternal bound.
This is your reminder to push through and ask for prayer. No matter how hard it feels, use your words. Ask. Speak life. Pray out loud. Speak scripture. Pray! Fast! Consecrate! There’s so much more available to us than being stuck in things we hate to deal with because we have convinced ourselves it’s who we are.
You are the Christ in you!
Invite Jesus into your situation and watch it change!!
The only fear we need is the fear of the Lord!
Romans 8:38-39 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
John 1:12 - But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:
2 Timothy 1:7 - For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Psalms 34:4 - I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Proverbs 29:25 - The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.
Philippians 4:6 - Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
Proverbs 19:23 - The fear of the LORD tendeth to life: and he that hath it shall abide satisfied; he shall not be visited with evil.
Isaiah 43:1-3 1 But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. 3 For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.
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