Do you ever have one of those conversations with the Lord that puts you in your place in the snap of a finger? It usually happens when I cry out to Him in frustration. When I ignore the prompts of the Lord and get settled into the busy chaos I call life. I've needed to blog for about a week now, putting it off, thinking of every excuse in the book to do something else. Not because what the Lord has to say isn't important enough to write about, but because digging into it hurts, because healing is revealing and because I'm almost embarrassed at the fits my flesh decides to throw on occasion.
So to set the scene, I'm in the kitchen with worship music playing, crying again because I am frustrated, I'm tired, now I'm cold, the dogs have the floors a mess, and I stand there looking around like why, how, what? Now don't get me wrong, I am enjoying my life, but the Lord is using this season of marriage and blending to strip away everything my flesh has called comfort for the last 7 years, and replace it with what is meant to be there. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. I was admittedly a control freak. Living on my own, I have catered and bent backwards to appease the attacks of OCD. Doing things like pulling the stove out to vacuum behind it at 2am, always using paper plates and plastic utensils because no soap will get silverware clean enough, using things and putting them back exactly where they go, scrubbing every inch of the house once a month, keeping the heat on 74, always showering before bed and keeping the bedrooms free of food and TV, etc. With Nash, Max and I, things would stay "Ashley approved" and I had control. I had a flow. Now, I have someone who supports me in anything and everything, but also tells me to let certain things go and to “relax” which goes about as well as you’d expect it to. But! He loves me when I don’t make it easy, and for that I can’t thank him enough.
Throw sharing a space with a husband, moving into a new house, having a German Shepherd and a Yorkie in the mix and watch Ashley have herself a little nervous breakdown. For nearly 90 days off and on I have been having attacks of the flesh. I say of the flesh because my spirit knows better, I should be able to rise above this stuff. I shouldn't care about the dogs bringing mud into the house for the thousandth time, I shouldn't care about how cold it is, I shouldn't care about having to wear shoes in the house now instead of going barefoot. I shouldn't care about a little sand in Nash's bed, I shouldn't care that things get left out all over the place. I shouldn't care that the big dog destroyed the grass and it's all mud, or that instead of Max teaching the yorkie to go outside the yorkie taught Max to go in the house. I am a dog person. I am a HUGE fan of my husband and the man that he is. But there are days when I get out of bed, get frustrated and instantly come into agreement with my flesh. Not realizing that these tiny little irritants are being used by the Lord as finely grit sandpaper designed to smooth me to perfection.
I see the things, the "to do's" and think I can't handle this, it's too much. I get so frustrated and even let anger creep in. All because I can't control, all because my mind is thinking that things within my scope of control aren't done, aren't fixed, aren't taken care of. Now adding these new additions to my family and new additions to my scope of control, I take on every burden, every bill, every sickness, every everything and I was admittedly panicking in the flesh. How am I going to fix ALL of this?! How am I going to get my house cleaned out and sold? How am I going to help my husband pick up the broken pieces of his past, combine them with the broken pieces of mine, and get everything put together in this beautiful mosaic that the Lord has planned for us? The enemy has been tossing thoughts like this into my head that I just grab onto and agree with because I guess I haven't preached to myself enough.
So back to my fit in the kitchen the other night... I'm crying, talking to the Lord, having a moment, and in my sobbing, I hear Him say "Remember that whole death to the flesh thing we started a while back, Ash? I'm about to bring that full circle." Now this made me both laugh and want to cry. It reminded me of all the adventures that I used to have when I was first learning to hear from the Lord, but it also made me realize that once again my obedience and ability to show fruit during trials will be tested.
Have I been being fruitful or have I been feeling pitiful and defeated? Are these things really that big of a burden to carry, or do they only bother me because they shatter the perception of comfort that I have built within in my own little bubble of control?
The Lord reminded me that these are the little foxes. The every day frustrations, the inconveniences, the joy stealers, these are exactly the things that I warn about as demonic attacks and tactics of the enemy, yet I don't recognize them sneaking up on me until I am overwhelmed. Christianity is a walk, and it can be a long 40 years in the wilderness if we don't understand what the Lord is trying to teach us through these situations and seasons in life.
The truth is that my flesh doesn't want to do the things that will help. My flesh doesn't want 5am secret place time, my flesh doesn't want to take the extra time to mop every time the dog comes in when I'm trying to do school work or anything else, my flesh doesn't want to go to church when it's my only day to sleep in, or go to bible studies instead of watching Jeopardy and Wheel. My flesh wants comfort.
I heard the Lord say "Comfort constricts, Ash" and as He spoke those words to my heart, I had a vision of myself wrapped in a blanket, sitting on a couch all warm and cozy. I felt the fuzzy warmth of the fabric, the calming in my spirit, the comfort of something wrapped around me, that feeling of a nice warm hug. "What do you want to do, now Ash?" the Lord spoke, and instantly the word nothing came to my mind. Honestly Lord, I want to enjoy this comfort, I don't want to move. I don't want to get up, and honestly if I had to pee, I'd probably hold it and just sit here being warm and cozy instead.
"Comfort equals complacency, Ash" Far too often we are smug in our comforts. We get upset if the line at Starbucks is too long in the morning on the way to work. We get angry and upset the minute we loose wifi or can't use the internet. Heaven forbid the line at the drive thru was taking too long. How about those pesky commercials during YouTube videos or when you go to load a tictok and it won't play? Who are you when no one is looking? Who do you become when your comfort is taken away? What happens when you’re frustrated?
Suddenly the fabric of the blanket began to change, it became rough, lightened to an off white and began to slowly constrict me. My arms were too tight to move, and like a straight jacket I was frozen. Comfort constricts, it keeps us standing still, it lets us remain stagnant and like a fresh water lake, stagnancy leads to pathogens and bacteria having their way, free to grow and take over. "What do you want to do now, Ash" the Lord spoke again, and the first thought in my mind was get myself out of here, Lord. I can't move! "Good, then get yourself out of there, Ash. Get out of that mindset. Guard your thoughts. Now is not the time for comfort, it's the time for action."
If you find yourself in a similar place, a place of seeking comfort over growth, I encourage you to challenge your comfort. I encourage you that if you're in a place of frustration, to see it as a place of opportunity. I encourage you to fight through the flesh and wake up early to spend time in the secret place with the Lord. I encourage you to pray and fast. When the bible tells you in Matthew 17:21 that prayer and fasting is important, believe it. That book doesn't lie. When the Lord puts it back on me and says get yourself out of there then, Ash. It's up to me to get myself out of there. I can pray and beg the Lord to change my circumstances, or I can change how I view them. The choice is mine, just like the choice is yours.
Choose growth.
Matthew 17:21 However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.
2 Peter 3:18 - But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.
Song of Solomon 2:15 Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes
2 Corinthians 4:8-16 8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. 12 So then death worketh in us, but life in you. 13 We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak; 14 Knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus, and shall present us with you. 15 For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. 16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
Ephesians 4: 11-16 And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, 12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, 14 so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. 15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
2 Peter 1:5-8 5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; 6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; 7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. 8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Luke 9:23 - And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
1 Corinthians 2:9-11 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.10 But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God. 11 For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.
Romans 8 Life in the Spirit
8 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.
Heirs with Christ
12 So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
Future Glory
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
God's Everlasting Love
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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