The Holy Spirit has this amazing way of shaking the ground I stand on. Not as much in a literal sense but in the sense that nothing in this physical life is stable. Everything we cling to will fade away, unless we cling to the hem of His garment. As we were talking during breakfast this morning, I felt the Lord say “Do you trust me?” In that one simple sentence I was thrown into the middle of the ocean.
You know that feeling, the feeling you get when you can’t touch the bottom? When fear takes a grip of your heart and no matter how much you try to scramble to catch a breath all you feel is the water splashing over your face as your arms keep reaching to find shore?
“What are you looking for, Ash?” I felt this panic in my spirit, what was I looking for? What was I reaching for? My arms were frantically reaching out in every direction, grasping for security. Grasping for the world, grasping for safety. Grasping for the comfort of my flesh.
I heard the Lord again, “Do you trust me, Ash?”
In that moment I realized I hadn’t.
Sure, I trust him with my salvation, with my kids, with the big stuff. The stuff that’s easy to hand over to him. But I wasn’t trusting Him with the every day details of my life. I trusted Him with all the things that I couldn't control but everything I could control, I would.
I realized that every time I get insecure or begin to doubt I throw myself into self preservation mode. I reach for some type of security or coping technique. My default should be to sit at the feet of Jesus, but more often than not, I find myself trying to fix things. Trying to have a back up plan, trying to make sure that if and when things go wrong that I have a plan to fix it and that I’ll be ok.
Then the Lord hit me like a ton of bricks. “You need to tell your husband that you trust him, Ash.” Woah, woah, woah Lord, I thought the this was about trusting you? “It is”
Then Lord put on my heart that I do trust Him, at times. I trust my relationship with Him, I trust Him enough to be obedient to Him, but I wasn’t trusting Him in my husband. I was looking at the physical life, the things I couldn’t control and I was saying Lord help me fix this. I wasn’t saying Lord I trust you.
With that revelation, I repented, and I gave up. I gave up control of everything. In my vision, in the middle of the ocean, I closed my eyes, my arms stopped flailing, and I sank. That’s where I found peace. A peace like I’ve never felt before.
“Death to the flesh, Ash. Remember that?” It made me giggle reminding me of my earlier experiences with Lord. He used to tell that to me often, but He was right. There was no peace gasping for air with my arms frantically reaching for anything this world had to offer for comfort. There was only peace in the surrender of letting go.
What are you grasping for?
When the Lord takes you deep, it takes a death. A death to the needs of this world. A death to the cares of this world. A death to the need to control. In this death there is a peace that surpasses understanding and it’s found in full surrender.
What do you need to surrender?
Tonight before bed I took Regis’s hands, I looked him in the eyes and I told him I trusted him. Not only in the physical, but in the spiritual. I trust that he hears from the Lord. I trust him with my heart. I trust him with my future and I trust him with my kids. I trust that our hearts, our physical bodies and our spirits are safe with him. Not because of who he is or how he treats us (those are bonuses) but because I trust the Lord in him. I trust the Lord working through him and I trust what the Lord spoke to me about him from the moment that we met.
It’s not easy to trust, especially when you’ve been hurt over and over again. I feel so strongly that the Lord calling us to this place of full surrender. He’s saying it’s time to let go. It’s time to trust.
Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
Luke 1:37 - For with God nothing shall be impossible.
1 Corinthians 2:5 - That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.
Psalms 56:3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. 4 In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.
1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Psalms 13:5 - But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
Psalms 40:4 - Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
James 4:10 - Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
Proverbs 23:26 - My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.
Psalms 50:15 - And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
Galatians 2:20 - I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
Mark 8: 34 And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.
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