The Lord has this unique way of driving things home and getting his point across to me, at all costs. Especially the cost of my flesh, my comfort and my wounds. You have to dig things up to clean them out. There are always days when I’d rather jump on that grave and pack the dirt down nice and tight, than to dig up wounds and dust them off even if it is to hand them over to Jesus. Recently I’ve had no choice but to come face to face with the areas I’ve fallen short.
The Lord has been revealing strongholds I need to tear down, wounds I need to heal, and mindsets I need grow up in. Areas where the enemy can still play his broken record in my mind. Areas where the level of truth that I have from the Lord isn’t enough to kick out the memories of my past. Sometimes you think you’re ok, until you aren’t.
My knee was healing great. There was a nice balance with my schedule, the kids, starting school and working. I finally felt like I could get things moving and cleaned out of the house. Progress was being had. I was finishing school work last Wednesday and it was time to pick up my son. I was in a great mood, so much so that I forgot about my bad knee and decided to be bop down those stairs like a normal human being. I got about 5 stairs from the bottom and my knee buckled, crunched, and I fell hard. I was on my back like a turtle on the floor, crying out whyyyy like Nancy Kerrigan, wondering how I didn’t crack my skull open on the concrete. I was in so much knee pain and I screamed out “Jesus I need you!” I prayed over my knee, and somehow managed to get myself off the floor to go and pick Nash up.
Everyone says the gas station near your house is where you go looking your worst. For me it’s my sons daycare. 😂
The next day I was back to square one. My knee was tight and even after doing PT exercises for almost a week and icing it, it’s still not feeling the best. I went from jumping in worship to screaming in pain again. I was praying about this to the Lord, and I heard Him speak, “Like a roaring Lion, Ash.”
Then the Lord put being “prayed up” on my heart. For months my prayers had included “Lord thank you for healing my knee, thank you for restoration” etc. but as my knee got better, I began forgetting to add that prayer into my routine. Not on purpose but in an absent minded way. I began forgetting to thank him for being able to walk on both legs. Our words matter.
That may sound silly to most. I can hear people saying ok Ash, I don’t need to thank the Lord for being able to walk each day. What I say to you is, but what could happen if you did?
How many of us out there don’t pray unless there’s something wrong? How many of us go days without saying thank you to the Lord? How many of us go days, weeks, months or even years without praying for your pastor, your family members or your friends? We always think oh, Gods got this, meanwhile He’s saying no, you’ve got this, it’s time to pray.
Maybe you’re stuck in a situation that your frustrated in. Try praying Lord thank you, instead of Lord change the situation. Try praying Lord search my heart, instead of, if these kids would only act right. Try praying Lord bless them instead of flipping someone off in the car.
The devil isn’t after just your life and your eternity, he’s after your peace of mind. The Bible says he is like a roaring Lion, not he is one. He can only devour those that give him access.
Stay prayed up. Stay in love, and walk in forgiveness. Prayer is communication with the Lord. If you listen He will speak back. Listen to what He has to say. Listen to the things He wants to deal with in your heart. Listen to the way he orchestrates everything. There’s a purpose to it.
This past Friday I went with Leah, Val and her daughter Ava, to a true girl event. Little did I know I needed it way more than she did. It was a really cute time for pre teen girls and they talked a lot about the pressures that girls face today. I cried like a baby. First, because I really enjoyed it and I didn’t get a chance to do things like this with my mom. Second, because they talked a lot about friendships, sleepovers and words that you let stick to you. Parts of their show really pulled at my heart in ways I didn’t expect.
The Lord pulled a lot of yuck out of my heart that night. There are two areas that I would get so emotionally broken my entire life. Friendship wounds and people believing lies about me. Both of which I had been currently dealing with, but not to the extent that I was aware until the Holy Spirit blew the whistle for me this weekend. Sometimes we don’t think about the way little things from the past can carve themselves into our hearts until the present pokes the scar.
No matter what, my dad never believed a word I said. There were numerous occasions when I’d talk about my day or something that happened and I’d get my words twisted, get screamed at, or told that I was stupid and that I wasnt ever getting anything by him. I’ll give a few short examples. The biggest one was when a dead rabbit was drug onto the back porch. Even though I had zero clue how it got there, I was the one who did it and I was a satanist. Another time, I was on my way home from a concert and my car got into a wreck. Nothing major, no other cars involved, but my hood and bumper needed fixed. I remember telling him exactly what happened and he came at me screaming with how he knows that people run on top of cars at concerts and that he knew I was lying about the wreck. Another time I remember washing all the dishes, drying them and putting them away for my mom. My dad asked me if I used “hot water” and I said that I used “warm water with soap because hot water burns” and he instantly tore all the dishes back out of the cupboards and threw them into the sink because “only hot water kills germs” (meanwhile the water was the same temperature that I use to wash dishes today) but I digress. I would get so emotional over things like this. I didn’t do what he thought, but nothing I said or did could change the way he saw me. Nothing I said or did, would get him to see the truth. He only saw what he wanted to see and believed what he wanted to believe.
Another way the enemy will attack me is in crazy insecurity in friendships. I remember having a close friend in first grade, we would go to each others houses and go swimming. Then one day on the playground her other friends said I couldn’t play with them and we stopped talking all together. It sounds silly now but was really sad. Another example was going into high school. I had some really close girls that I’d been friends with for years. One day out of no where, they got off the bus, walked out in front of me and when I said hey wait up, I was ignored. I never talked to them again. I never knew what I did or why it happened. I learned young that if you keep people far enough away, you don’t really care when they never text or call you back. The less invested you are, the less it hurts. In turn, I became the smart mouth. I became the bully, I became the one with the sarcastic jokes that would tear people down for others to laugh. I became what I felt I needed to be so I wouldn’t get hurt again.
In 2019 my heart was softened by an encounter with Jesus. Since then, I’ve met wonderful people with beautiful hearts and amazing testimonies that I consider family; but I never thought these insecurities would continue follow me on this walk. I thought the anger and hurt that would attack me through my dad would stop at his death. Surprise, surprise we wrestle not against flesh and blood. The enemy is no respector of persons. I thought that friends having the heart of the Lord, would come to me if they heard something about me, turns out they wouldn’t, and that’s ok!
The Lord spoke clearly to my heart that I’m the difference. I’m the change in how these things effect me. I’m the one that can forgive and let things go, instead of crying, being hurt or needing to argue my point. I found myself trying to defend my words, and getting defensive when the truth is all I need. The Lord is my defender. He had me stop, He had me shut up and He fights my battles for me. My job is to forgive and to bless. His job is to do the rest.
When people are raised without the understanding of the love of God, they search for it. They cling to unhealthy friendships, relationships, habits, or places, because feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. Even if pain is what you feel it reminds you that you’re still alive. Even if people push you, talk down to you or twist your words, you’ll keep hanging on because it’s better to be tolerated than to be alone.
The Lord doesn’t tolerate you, the Lord doesn’t believe man’s account over what’s written in the lambs book of life. The Lord loves you with an everlasting burning love that only comes from Him. Understanding this love is the first step to freedom.
We can talk about deliverance and demons all day long, but casting out a demon won’t renew your mind. Only time with the Lord will. Time in His presence, time in His word, time in prayer. That’s what we need. We all need more of it. The enemy will always know exactly what buttons to push. He will press into every insecure crack to try and find an opening. Be ready with the word, the truth and the sword.
The Lord spoke to me clearly this past weekend about setting heathy boundaries for myself, for my time, and about forgiveness and what that really looks like. He took me back to dig up feelings I had burried for years. He helped me resurrect them and lay them at His feet. Resurrection power heals as we give it all to Christ. He spoke to my heart about valuing myself enough to know when enough was enough. He opened my eyes to strongholds I need to tear down. He had me look in the mirror and asked me what I saw. The Lord spoke to my heart this weekend at a pre teen concert we had to drag our girls to. Something I was invited to months ago, was exactly what I needed.
It’s not our circumstances that need to be changed, it’s not our jobs or our friends, our kids or our parents, it’s not the annoying lady that sings too loud or the guy going too slow in front of you at the grocery store, it’s not that church service you don’t like, or the way that minister preaches. It’s our hearts that need to be changed. It’s our minds and our outlook that reflect the mind of Christ. The stone will roll away, it’s time to take off the grave clothes of the past, to lay them at the feet of Jesus and to walk in freedom. Our problems don’t change because people die, or we change jobs, or cars, or houses. Our problems change when we stop seeing them as problems but as opportunities to shine for Christ.
Ephesians 6:12-24
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,
20 For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
21 But that ye also may know my affairs, and how I do, Tychicus, a beloved brother and faithful minister in the Lord, shall make known to you all things:
22 Whom I have sent unto you for the same purpose, that ye might know our affairs, and that he might comfort your hearts.
23 Peace be to the brethren, and love with faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Grace be with all them that love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen.
1 Corinthians 15:33 - Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.
Mark 11:25 - And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Ephesians 4:32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Matthew 6:15 - But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Luke 6:37 - Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
Colossians 3:13 - Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.
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