I'll be honest in saying that I haven't felt like writing much, worshiping much or even doing anything at all ministry wise, since my experience last Friday. Deliverance is truly overlooked in the churches because it's scary. Not only is it scary, but it puts a giant target on your back that the enemy's snipers being to hone in on. There is a saying in America "Freedom isn't free" I can tell you with absolute certainty that the same thing goes for spiritual freedom. It comes at a cost. It comes with eye opening experiences. It comes with the ability to discern the evil all around you. For many prophetic people, it comes with every sense being completely overwhelmed, constantly bombarded with both good and evil all at once. All day every day. You can't just turn it off and zone out, even when you want to. I have been struggling with this, more so now than ever. When I was praying this morning I heard the Lord say "he is testing your testimony, Ash"
As I clenched my teeth, I was struggling internally. Of course the Lord is always right, but it's one of those things where you know He is right, but you aren't exactly ready to come out of your fleshy mess and let Him be right. I didn't get any down time, any recovery time. It was simply get through this horror, take a level up, and be led straight into an attack on my mind. I've said it time and time again, the enemy HATES losing ground. The enemy has free reign over this earth right now. The devil has the ability to attack our mind, will and emotions, and you can bet that he will do so every chance that he can get. This is why deliverance isn't the end all be all of ministry. This is why it is so necessary, but also why it has to be accompanied with the truth of the word. It has to be accompanied with the secret place relationship. It has to be accompanied by time in the word, in prayer and in worship.
Demons don't want to manifest, they want to be hidden behind the scenes. They want to cause chaos, like swapping the sugar out with the salt. They want every minute of your day caught up in such minor irritation, frustration, annoyance and anger, that you don't realize it's demonically driven. So they never end up driven out. Where do they attack the most? Those very areas that are the most important. They attack your mind, will and emotions in order to prevent worship, praise, prayer and time in the secret place with the Lord. They sneak in with doors that open through trauma, experiences of fear, abuse, neglect, hurt, abandonment, through your own sins, etc. They don't always have to be invited in by Ouija boards and seances. They can sneak into open doors disguised as every day life. If you aren't looking for them, you'll overlook them.
I can remember times where I would become so frustrated over minor things. Where anger would sneak in, where fear would take hold of me. Times where I felt the need to control things because if I didn't, panic and uncertainty would creep in and cripple my day. I remember being so concerned about perfection, cleaning and organizing, that I would spend hours a day lost in trying to get things "just right" so I could relax. The funny thing is, that once one thing felt "just right", I would immediately see something else that needed changed, cleaned, put away, etc.. and the cycle would start all over again. I never got to the "everything's just right so I can relax and enjoy my kids" part. So many times I chalked that up to being an "anxious person", a "perfectionist" or having "OCD" not knowing that there were deeper demonic roots to every bit of it.
Certain smells, interactions with certain family members, alcoholic drinks I'd smell on people, sudden loud noises, someone raising their voice at me, people being critical of me, being disrespected and made to feel invisible, having nightmares, the thought of being yelled, intense fear, flashbacks; all of those things and more, would trigger these insane responses in me. I would shut down. I would hide out. I would excessively shop. I would drink myself sick. I would smoke to numb the pain. I would completely avoid certain people, places or things. I chalked that up to "PTSD" not realizing that these were demonically driven responses to demonic strongholds that were built-up in my mind over time.
What do all of those things have in common? They distract you from your relationship with Jesus. They distract you from reading the word. They distract you from worship. They distract you from praying any prayer other than selfish prayers of "help me Lord". They make you feel as if your prayers aren't answered because you are stuck in this loop of oppression. That is how the enemy works. That is why you are stuck. Because the enemy has a tactical plan to manipulate you, control you and to bind you, without you ever realizing that it's him.
To be honest, I was feeling like something was wrong this past week. I was feeling like an emotionless zombie. I was feeling like there was something missing. I was thinking that I needed a break from ministry. I was thinking that I couldn't hear the Lord, feel Him, or get back to the way things were. I used to have such intense feelings when I would write, when I would pray for people, or when I would read the word. Now it feels like there is nothing. Just the truth of the word taking root within my spirit. I feel this emptiness slowly filling up with truth, but what I don't have, is a desire to fill it with anything other than the Lord. Every craving that I had is gone. Every emotional reaction I would have is gone. Every sensory overload that I would experience is gone. As I was praying today, I heard the Lord whisper, "the storm is calm, Ash". It reminded me of the disciples in the storm. How they were overwhelmed with the wind, with the waves, with the thunder and lightening. How fear tried to take root, and how the Lord simply got out of bed, and calmed the storm. There was no wind, there were no waves, the roaring thunder stopped dead in it's tracks, and the lightening was gone. It was still, it was silent, it was miraculous.
So here I sit, in the miraculous calm to my storm. The storm that tossed me around for years and years is gone. Just like that. In the name of Jesus. With His power, His presence and His spirit calming the chaos that was 38 years of my life. It's a new feeling. I never did well with new. New was scary, unfamiliar and not my cup of tea. Yet this new, this NEW, is exactly what I needed right now. The enemy still has free reign to attack my mind, will and emotions. As long as I am in the flesh, he will. The enemy still has his sights on me, I'm sure. But greater is in me than is in this world and his name is Jesus. The enemy is testing my testimony, trying to get me to go back to being stuck. Stuck in insecurities, in what if's, and in finding loopholes to remain stagnant. Growth is scary. What the enemy doesn't know, is that I am not backing down. I am equipped for this fight, more now than I ever have been, and I am not going to let his stupid demons ruin any more days, hours or even minutes of my life.
Game on devil. Game on.
2 Corinthians 11:3 - But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.
John 8:32 - And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
John 16:13 - Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.
John 17:17 - Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
Psalms 145:18 - The LORD is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.
2 Timothy 2:15 - Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
John 4:24 - God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.
1 Peter 5:8 - Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
1 John 3:8 - He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.
Romans 16:20 - And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen.
Revelation 12:9 - And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.
2 Corinthians 4:4 - In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.
Psalms 50:15 - And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
James 5:16 - Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Galatians 5:1 - Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
John 8:32 - And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
2 Samuel 22 And David spake unto the Lord the words of this song in the day that the Lord had delivered him out of the hand of all his enemies, and out of the hand of Saul:2 And he said, The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;3 The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.4 I will call on the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.5 When the waves of death compassed me, the floods of ungodly men made me afraid;6 The sorrows of hell compassed me about; the snares of death prevented me;7 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears.8 Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth.9 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet.11 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.12 And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.13 Through the brightness before him were coals of fire kindled.14 The Lord thundered from heaven, and the most High uttered his voice.15 And he sent out arrows, and scattered them; lightning, and discomfited them.16 And the channels of the sea appeared, the foundations of the world were discovered, at the rebuking of the Lord, at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.17 He sent from above, he took me; he drew me out of many waters;18 He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me: for they were too strong for me.19 They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay.20 He brought me forth also into a large place: he delivered me, because he delighted in me.21 The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness: according to the cleanness of my hands hath he recompensed me.22 For I have kept the ways of the Lord, and have not wickedly departed from my God.23 For all his judgments were before me: and as for his statutes, I did not depart from them.24 I was also upright before him, and have kept myself from mine iniquity.25 Therefore the Lord hath recompensed me according to my righteousness; according to my cleanness in his eye sight.26 With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful, and with the upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright.27 With the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself unsavoury.28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.29 For thou art my lamp, O Lord: and the Lord will lighten my darkness.30 For by thee I have run through a troop: by my God have I leaped over a wall.31 As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.32 For who is God, save the Lord? and who is a rock, save our God?33 God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.34 He maketh my feet like hinds' feet: and setteth me upon my high places.35 He teacheth my hands to war; so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.36 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy gentleness hath made me great.37 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.38 I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them.39 And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet.40 For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.41 Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me.42 They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the Lord, but he answered them not.43 Then did I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street, and did spread them abroad.44 Thou also hast delivered me from the strivings of my people, thou hast kept me to be head of the heathen: a people which I knew not shall serve me.45 Strangers shall submit themselves unto me: as soon as they hear, they shall be obedient unto me.46 Strangers shall fade away, and they shall be afraid out of their close places.47 The Lord liveth; and blessed be my rock; and exalted be the God of the rock of my salvation.48 It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me.49 And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies: thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.50 Therefore I will give thanks unto thee, O Lord, among the heathen, and I will sing praises unto thy name.51 He is the tower of salvation for his king: and sheweth mercy to his anointed, unto David, and to his seed for evermore.
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