143. Go!

 

I've been trying to find the words that the Lord wants to convey regarding last weekend in Brookville, but I am struggling to put the words in the right order. Since being asked to be on the ministry team for the retreat in April, I have known that I would need to deal with some things, and that the Lord was wanting to break some things off of me before that time comes. It's difficult to minister to others when the Lord has things that you need ministered to in your own heart. People don't understand my passion for deliverance, for inner healing and for ministry, but that's ok, they probably aren't meant to. We are all called to minister in different ways. Some quietly through friendships, some through writing, others through art, some through a platform and others through whispers. Yet we are all called to focus on the Lord, on His kingdom come here on earth, on discipleship, on raising one another up and on being real enough to experience the healing you need. I love the story about the crazy naked guy in the cemetery. Jesus didn't tell him to sit quietly until his theology is perfect. He said go and tell the people your testimony. So many times we think that we have to be perfect to be effective for the Lord. That's one of the biggest lies that the enemy gets us to believe. That we are not qualified to share, to heal, to cast out demons, to raise the dead. If you have the Holy Spirit, you have what you need. Stop waiting for someone to put a label on your shirt that says minister. We are all called to the ministry of reconciliation. We are called to reconcile the world with Christ. Every single one of us. 

The first evening in Brookvillle, Amy spoke on her testimony regarding how she dealt with same sex attraction. Her testimony is a powerful reminder that freedom comes to those who surrender to Jesus. Our thoughts aren't always ours, our desires and temptations are not always from our own minds. The enemy has free reign to tempt our mind, will and emotions, and sure enough he does every single day. So many people feel that temptation to sin is sin, they feel shame for being tempted in the areas they struggle with. Whether it be sexual, emotional, drug or alcohol related, anger related, etc. they feel that because they are constantly tempted in a certain area that they are unclean, unworthy, and that is the farthest from the truth. Jesus himself was tempted by the enemy. Temptation isn't sin, it's a constant battle with the enemy over your mind, will and emotions. Don't feel shame for being tempted, stand on the truth of the word. Jesus defeated the enemy by stating scripture, by slaying with the sword of the spirit which is the word of God. This is why it's important to have the truth of the full scripture imbedded in your hearts and minds. Temptation will come, it's how we handle it that makes all the difference. 

Her testimony brought up a ton of body image issues that I have always had. Growing up, my first exposure to porn, at about a 5th grade age, was from magazines and videos laying around the house. I instantly thought that if I didn't look like these women, act like these women etc, that I would never be able to keep a man happy. I'd never be able to get married and if I was a wife, that my husband would leave me for someone that looked and acted like these women. I went from a chubby happy kid, to a high school student that starved myself for days, threw up what I would eat and binged on sugar at the dairy queen that I worked at because it wasn't real food. When I had my first real boyfriend in high school, we became sexually active because I wanted to keep him happy. It was extremely toxic but lasted an on again, off again almost 4 years. When we broke up, I found the next one, and the next one etc. Trying to keep everyone else happy while I myself was dying inside, chasing things that would never fill the void. Wondering what was wrong with me, what I kept doing wrong, not realizing that the Lord had other plans. I was the same way in my marriage, making sure I did everything I could to make him happy and never feeling like I was ever enough to make someone happy. Would people even like me if I kept my pants on? Lets be real here. That answer in todays world is most often a no. Have the courage to be patient and wait for what the Lord has planned. Trust my experience on this, it will save you a ton of heartache.  

Now here I am, born again what feels like only a few months even though its been almost three years and I struggle with this so much. Dating as a Christian in this world was supposed to be this totally different feeling. One of friendship, love, commitment, one of serving someone with a pure intention of love and respect and not just this feeling of a means to an end. One where you can honor someone and serve the Lord with someone. One where what I want or need doesn't matter because I can trust the Lord to take care of it all. Yet I still wrestle with this same question. Would anyone even want me if I keep my pants on? The answer to this is being tossed into that whole be patient lesson that the Lord is working on. Be patient...all while I'm gritting my teeth, exhausted and learning to navigate this world comfortable alone. Be patient, and to be honest I don't wanna. It's such a struggle within my flesh to not be codependent. I am not a fan of navigating this world alone. I am not a fan of driving to the zoo alone, taking the kids to the park alone, reading the scriptures alone, etc. I am not a fan of only taking care of my children. I have this burning desire to take care of someone as a partner, to make life easier for someone who works hard. Yet the Lord just laughs, and whispers strongly Be Patient, Ash....so I sigh and I surrender. You win Lord. You win.

The first night there I didn't sleep very well. The Carrier House Inn on main street is a beautiful old home that they turned into a hotel. I went to bed, tossed and turned and that then finally fell asleep about 12:30am. At somewhere between 2:30 and 3am I woke up to use the bathroom and laid back down. I was asleep maybe 5min tops, when I was startled by a scratching noise at the bottom of the bed. It felt like a cat was scratching at the covers. Then whatever it was, came around the bottom of the bed and jumped up onto the mattress with me. It honestly felt like a dog or cat jumping up on the bed, so half dazed I was thinking to myself maybe they had a house cat or dog, but then I realized that my door was shut. I felt it moving on the mattress down by my feet on the other side of the bed. I simply said "get out" and it lifted off the bed just as quickly as it came. I fell back asleep and wasn't really bothered anymore that night. What I remembered in the morning, was that this house was also right next to an old funeral home and that the property was all owned by the same people. I had a feeling that this thing tormenting me, meant that I was in the right place doing the right things. I love making the enemy nervous, but I also see why so many people don't want to actively engage in warfare. You become a target for the enemy when you make progress for the Kingdom. Something like that might really scare some folks, make them go home. For me, it was just adding fuel to the fire. 

The second day Kevin taught on the gifts of the Spirit and how they operate, how they are for all believers, and the scriptures that back all of this up. He was praying for impartation and the entire place filled with healing, with the presence of the Lord and with the power that accompanies the Holy Spirit. That evening he taught on trauma and did a group deliverance. I shared the video, it was probably the most intense group deliverance I have ever attended. There were so many people set free. The screams that you hear, the growling, the women letting out wails that last minutes on end, these things are not of human control. Pastor Terry Smith was there and as Kevin was commanding things out, he suggested that Terry pray for me. With both hands on my chest Terry began to pray and instantly I fell apart. It was like my own personal deliverance session right in my ear. So many deep hurts, traumas and ways that I viewed myself  were shattered like broken glass falling away from my heart. Sometimes you can burry things so deep, go through deliverance time and time again, and yet the Lord has His own timing as to when certain things will be addressed. 

I can't stress enough that deliverance is never a one and done. It's continual, its evolving, and it's healing. I felt so free there. The worship at Brookville is like a presence I have never experienced before. So many people going after the love of the father. So many people feeling so free, free enough to dance, to sing, to jump, to cry, to kneel down, to fall down at the altar, to spill into the streets with praise erupting like we have been designed to do. I can't explain in enough detail what it feels like to be standing in a room with everyone singing in the Spirit to the Lord. It's like the very air that surrounds you turns into LOVE, ACCEPTANCE and PEACE like I have never felt before. You can't help but feel it, and once you experience it, you can't help but chase after it like nothing else. That feeling is worth not drinking, not smoking, not having sex. That feeling is worth being uncomfortable, and dealing with the things that have kept pieces of my heart in cages. That feeling is worth all the crazy looks I get, the people that have walked away from me, and the death to the flesh as I submit to the Lord daily. Kevin hit home with me when he simply stated that when "the church gets real, the church gets healed!" 

The second night there, I thought I would be slick and sleep with the light on. Yet one of the bulbs kept flickering, driving me crazy. I got into the shower and I immediately felt like I was not alone in that room. I laughed, I commanded everything out of that room in the name of Jesus and I slept well. Nothing seems to scare me like it used to. The awareness of the spiritual atmosphere around me is something that I have grown to be comfortable in. There is nothing that our Lord won't overcome. There is power in the name of Jesus. The sooner you learn that the better. Love not this world unto death. Stop focusing on the enemy advancing on the earth, and focus on the Lord that will win the war. The book clearly states what will happen, yet we become shocked and appalled at things like the vaccine passport for buying and selling, the rise of Satanism, and the overall direction that the main stream world is headed in. Don't glorify the enemy on this earth. Satan and his network are beneath our feet. Now more than ever we need believers focused on intercessory prayer, believers that are set free through deliverance, and believers that can recognize the authority that they are capable of walking in. This is not a time for stuffy polished services. This is the time for real, this is the time for power, this is the time for the biblical church as Jesus instructed to rise up. To cast our demons, to heal the sick, to raise the dead, to step on the heads of snakes. This is the time for disciples to make disciples. 

Sunday morning the message was on the great commission. Kevin taught on what it means to step out. What it means to be a Christian empowered with the Holy Spirit. It truly is time to go out into the world and proclaim the gospel. You don't have to go to bible school to share your testimony. You don't have to have a degree to have a message. You just have to submit to the Lord. In everything submit, pray and listen. So many churches today do not let people speak because they aren't polished enough, they aren't trained enough, they haven't completed steps x, y, z. Think again about the naked man in the cemetery. He wanted to come with Jesus, to learn from Him and follow Him. What did Jesus say? He said go and tell your story. Testify of the miracle that just happened. He didn't say, study this and that and the other thing, He said GO! 

I'm calling you out. It's time to GO! I cried so hard on Sunday morning. Between Saturday night and Sunday morning I could have filled a five gallon jug with my tears. Tears of healing, tears of joy, tears of peace, tears of hurt, tears of anger, tears of fear. All of it pouring out of me, simply from being in the presence of the Lord and listening to what He wanted to say. He spoke to my heart, He made me laugh, He delivered me from myself. He is faithful and just. he is and forever will be my Savior. He has shown me a love like no other, a feeling like no other, and I don't care how crazy I look. I will always testify on how free I feel. What an amazing feeling it is to not have thoughts in my head that condemn me, to be delivered from the shame of who I had been, to go from depressed and suicidal, to never having another dark feeling again. If you wonder why I tag you in videos, or why I suggest the things that I do, it's because we are to freely give what we receive. I wasn't set free from anxiety, panic, depression, fear, shame, guilt, etc just to tell everyone how amazing it feels. I was set free, to show and direct others to the same freedom. It's not just me, I have met countless other people that have been delivered from all of those things. The choice is yours, surrender this world and walk in victory, or surrender your souls to constant torment and the things of this world. The Lord will never force Himself on you, but He will pursue your heart. He will chase after a relationship with you, and you have no idea what you are missing.       

2 Corinthians 5:11-21

The Ministry of Reconciliation

11 Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. 12 We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. 13 For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 15 and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

16 From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Luke 8:26-39

Jesus Heals a Demon-Possessed Man

26 So they arrived in the region of the Gerasenes, across the lake from Galilee. 27 As Jesus was climbing out of the boat, a man who was possessed by demons came out to meet him. For a long time he had been homeless and naked, living in the tombs outside the town.

28 As soon as he saw Jesus, he shrieked and fell down in front of him. Then he screamed, “Why are you interfering with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Please, I beg you, don’t torture me!” 29 For Jesus had already commanded the evil spirit to come out of him. This spirit had often taken control of the man. Even when he was placed under guard and put in chains and shackles, he simply broke them and rushed out into the wilderness, completely under the demon’s power.

30 Jesus demanded, “What is your name?”

“Legion,” he replied, for he was filled with many demons. 31 The demons kept begging Jesus not to send them into the bottomless pit.

32 There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding on the hillside nearby, and the demons begged him to let them enter into the pigs.

So Jesus gave them permission. 33 Then the demons came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the entire herd plunged down the steep hillside into the lake and drowned.

34 When the herdsmen saw it, they fled to the nearby town and the surrounding countryside, spreading the news as they ran. 35 People rushed out to see what had happened. A crowd soon gathered around Jesus, and they saw the man who had been freed from the demons. He was sitting at Jesus’ feet, fully clothed and perfectly sane, and they were all afraid. 36 Then those who had seen what happened told the others how the demon-possessed man had been healed. 37 And all the people in the region of the Gerasenes begged Jesus to go away and leave them alone, for a great wave of fear swept over them.

So Jesus returned to the boat and left, crossing back to the other side of the lake. 38 The man who had been freed from the demons begged to go with him. But Jesus sent him home, saying, 39 “No, go back to your family, and tell them everything God has done for you.” So he went all through the town proclaiming the great things Jesus had done for him.

Mark 16:17-18

17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18 they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.”

2 Thessalonians 3

Pray for Us

3 Finally, brothers, pray for us, that the word of the Lord may speed ahead and be honored, as happened among you, 2 and that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men. For not all have faith. 3 But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one. 4 And we have confidence in the Lord about you, that you are doing and will do the things that we command. 5 May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.

Warning Against Idleness

6 Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. 7 For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, 8 nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. 9 It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate. 10 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. 11 For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. 12 Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living.

13 As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. 14 If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.

Benediction

16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.17 I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand. This is the sign of genuineness in every letter of mine; it is the way I write. 18 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.

1 John 1

The Word of Life

1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life— 2 the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us— 3 that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. 4 And we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete.

Walking in the Light

5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.