I've been wrestling with a ton of different emotions lately. I've been feeling frustrated, out of place and overall stuck. When you feel the Spirit moving, and you feel like you can see the end of the tunnel, life becomes a training ground for the cultivation of patience and focus. Those are two things that my flesh have never been good at. I'm not going to lie. I have a tendency to have a short attention span, need to constantly be moving and never really know how to slow down. I'm getting better, but this patience thing feels like the definition of cultivation. When you look up the definition its listed as "the process of trying to acquire or develop a quality or skill". It's a process and it takes effort. It's not this instant thing like I know I would want it to be.
I was reminded of this on Saturday when I went to the worship and healing service at Mountaintop Worship Center. The atmosphere there is always so warm and welcoming. You almost feel as if you're all sitting around a camp fire. It's hard to put into words, but it's my favorite place to go. As we were worshiping I felt like my nose was touching a cinderblock wall. It felt so close to me and so real. I felt the urge in the spirit to break it down but of course it wouldn't budge. I wasn't strong enough in my own effort. As the presence of the Lord intensified I felt something smash through that wall. Undoubtedly it was the Holy Spirit, when I surrendered my own efforts, the Lord took to immediate action.
I have a feeling that I am not the only one with walls built up. Walls from trauma, abuse, sin, neglect or other things of the past. We have a tendency to build up walls because the prison cell we put ourselves in, alone, feels safe. If no one can get to us, no one can hurt us, right? Yet the isolation ends up hurting us far more than the pain of healing. Yes it hurts like crazy to go through everything, but the healing is in the messy. It's not in the pretty packages. I love services like this because you're not alone in the tears, the cries and the deliverance.
After that wall was broken down, I felt this ball in my hands. It had about a two foot diameter. I could feel it, but I was not sure why. As I was asking the Lord to reveal to me what it was, it shrank down and disappeared. I felt my entire body overcome with sorrow. With a sadness, with a longing. I feel as if the world that we are living in will soon disappear. In 5-10 years this world will be entirely different. I felt an urgency or a now or never approach to things. I was standing there in tears, because I don't know what to do, what to scream from the rooftops or how to impact those who need it. I feel so tiny when the Lord shows me big things. It feels so big, and my flesh feels so small.
As Kevin started with the message he revealed that it was going to be a teaching on Trauma and PTSD. As soon as he spoke those words my eyes welled up with tears. I kept trying to look at my phone, to distract myself, I tried to go live on FB with the message so I could focus on my camera and not myself. Funny how it wouldn't even work for me. The Lord was intent on having me focus on this message. It was such an intense feeling of me needing to be there. I instantly knew why I had felt sick earlier that day, why my stomach was hurting the entire way up there in the car. Why I almost had to pull over and puke. Why I thought about staying home so much, why my head was hurting. Stupid warfare, stupid devil and stupid demonic garbage. Whenever you are close to healing or deliverance, the enemy will ALWAYS attack you to the point of you not wanting to go. That is when you have to push through. I have done this for years now and the biggest breakthroughs are always met with the most intense opposition from the enemy. We are fighting for our lives in the Spirit. Every. Single. Day.
The message was interrupted by a group that needed to leave. Kevin offered to pray for them before they left the service. There was a woman with Cerebral Palsy that had constant ringing in her ears. Kevin prayed for her and the ringing stopped. She began crying and said that she felt like she had been going crazy, she was so glad it stopped. He continued praying and she began walking better, and pain left. She was even speaking much better it was so wonderful. Before she would leave, she said that her pastor needed prayer, so Kevin went over and began to speak with her. She had lost her husband, and felt guilty over the situation. She couldn't get help to him in time and the enemy began whispering in her ear that it was all her fault. She stated that she had cancer because she killed her husband. As Kevin commanded the spirits out of her, she went down to the floor and let out a few very loud screams. The demons were making her say something like "I killed him", Kevin commanded it to go and it left. She had no recollection of saying those things after the fact. She was crying and moments later, asked if she could come up and give a testimony. She held her hands up and said that when she came in her hands were bruised and the palms were yellow. She raised her hands and they had completely cleared. It was amazing!! There was another woman that was about to have neck surgery and had issues with her back. Kevin brought her up to the front, she was walking very unstable. He prayed for her leg to come out, her back pain went from a 10 to a 3. She stood up and wiggled around and said that there was still a pinch in her back. He prayed again and it went down, he prayed a third time and the pain left completely. She had this look of surprise on her face, she began lifting her knees up so high and with energy that she had not had at all moments earlier. It was so beautiful to see.
Kevin then finished the message and I was back to bawling my eyes out. He did the altar call and I knew that I needed to go up there. As he was praying he stopped near me and asked me to hold up my hands. "And another round, and another round, the Lord is healing the complete package so you can minister the complete package" I was crying so hard. As we all stood in line, many were crying, another lady went down to her knees and let out a few screams. It was so beautiful.
I know that many of you would think that it's crazy to see people falling apart in front of the Lord like this, but every time I see things like this, my eyes well up with gratitude for the way that the Lord comes to his children that are willing to come to Him. When you hear a demon scream or speak through another person, you can't forget it, and you realize that you want to set everyone free. That's part of the great commission. Like it or not, lol. He will heal you, He will deliver you, but you have to put in the effort. You have to be willing to lay it all down, to surrender your flesh. I hate to say that, but there are so many times that I could have given up. There are so many times that I could have gone to one service, got a healing, some deliverance, cried a bit and went home thinking I was all good. The Lord heals in layers, its never a one and done. I hate to break it to you that way, but if you want freedom, true freedom, you have to chase it like you want it. This is why I travel, this is why I train up in deliverance and healing. This is why I don't watch cable, this is why I don't listen to secular music, this is why I focus on the Word, this is why I do the things that I do. This is what sets the captives free.
In line, we began renouncing the spirits of trauma, abuse, neglect, rejection, perceived rejection, abandonment, cancer, pain, infirmity, etc. the list went on and on. The list was long but it was needed. As Kevin was commanding all these things to go, I felt like my entire flesh was being pulled apart by hundreds of demonic hooks. It's hard to explain, it felt like fishing hooks but thicker metal and each one felt like it was the size of my hand. As each spirit was commanded to go, I felt the hooks being removed from my body, one by one. It hurt, it cut deep and with each hook being removed a picture of my past flashed in my mind. It was different this time. The memories that were traumatic, I saw from a different view point. I saw these beautiful angels ministering to my spirit as if I was a child wrapped up in their wings. They were soft but strong, it felt like home. It was like every time that I was disassociating in past situations, they showed me that they were ministering to my spirit, while my soul (mind, will and emotions) and my body were going through pain. If you have ever gone through something where you feel that you are almost on the outside looking in, like you can see the behavior, the words, the actions but at the same time not stop yourself or someone else, that's your spirit, it can't be touched when you belong to Jesus. However, many of us forget that the soul can become traumatized. Our mind, will and emotions are fair game for enemy attack. So is our flesh. This is where being rooted in the truth of the Word comes in to play. This is why we need to arm ourselves as if we are fighting a war. Because we are.
I remembered a service that I had gone to at Kevin's building a while back. I remembered feeling these same hooks in my back. At that time there were a few and they were attached to heavy chains. During this vision, there were many more, they were slightly smaller and they were attached to fishing line, but were still there. You know, the clear kind of line that you can barely see. Sometimes we stop when we feel chains breaking, but we don't realize the subtle threads that could still be there. Still affecting you, still manipulating your thoughts, invading your mind, still causing anxiety, rage, feelings of not being good enough, insecurities and perceived rejection. There are hundreds that I could name but you get my point. We need to stay guarded on every level against every devil.
I will never stop chasing my freedom. The way I feel after these services is well worth the social pain of people seeing me cry, seeing me down on my knees and seeing me fall apart. Luckily I haven't screamed in public, only through deliverance at home, although I wouldn't put it past the Lord to pull that one out at a meeting some time, just for the kicks of seeing me overcome it. He's funny like that with me. What I want to assure you in, is in the fact that you are loved, that you are not alone, no matter how perfect everyone around you seems to look. Trauma doesn't have to come from physical abuse for it to count. It doesn't have to be an audible voice telling you to hurt yourself, for it to be from a demon. They whisper thoughts into your mind that aren't yours. You are not alone in that, not one bit. We need more safe spaces for deliverance, healing and prophecy. I am that safe space. I am here if you need me. I will never be surprised at what you tell me and I will never make public anything that is meant to be private. We need to be able to fall apart in order for us to come together as disciples, to fulfill the great commission put on our lives. You are not meant to be in pain, depression, anxiety, panic, fear, emotionally unstable etc. Freedom is what you make it.
A wise man said to me "You have to become uncomfortable to get comfortable" and I don't think he even realizes how right he was in that statement.
We have to be willing to be uncomfortable in the flesh, in order to sanctify our spirits with the Lord. I can assure you that it is worth it. Your freedom matters just as much as mine, or anyone else here on earth.
Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So
107 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!
2 Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble
3 and gathered in from the lands,
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.
4 Some wandered in desert wastes,
finding no way to a city to dwell in;
5 hungry and thirsty,
their soul fainted within them.
6 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
7 He led them by a straight way
till they reached a city to dwell in.
8 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
9 For he satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
10 Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
prisoners in affliction and in irons,
11 for they had rebelled against the words of God,
and spurned the counsel of the Most High.
12 So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor;
they fell down, with none to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
and burst their bonds apart.
15 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
16 For he shatters the doors of bronze
and cuts in two the bars of iron.
17 Some were fools through their sinful ways,
and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
18 they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.
21 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
22 And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!
23 Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
29 He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven.
31 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
32 Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,
and praise him in the assembly of the elders.
33 He turns rivers into a desert,
springs of water into thirsty ground,
34 a fruitful land into a salty waste,
because of the evil of its inhabitants.
35 He turns a desert into pools of water,
a parched land into springs of water.
36 And there he lets the hungry dwell,
and they establish a city to live in;
37 they sow fields and plant vineyards
and get a fruitful yield.
38 By his blessing they multiply greatly,
and he does not let their livestock diminish.
39 When they are diminished and brought low
through oppression, evil, and sorrow,
40 he pours contempt on princes
and makes them wander in trackless wastes;
41 but he raises up the needy out of affliction
and makes their families like flocks.
42 The upright see it and are glad,
and all wickedness shuts its mouth.
43 Whoever is wise, let him attend to these things;
let them consider the steadfast love of the Lord.
I’m happy you’re pushing thru..
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