🎼🎵🎶❤️🧎🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🙌🏻🎤🔥
The Lord continues to blow my mind and forces me to expand my knowledge and understanding of His majestic nature toward His children. Sometimes by dragging them to a microphone in front of a crowded room and reminding them of their voice.
“Remember this Ash?”
Back when I was a kid, I used to sing in the chorus and I loved it. Over the years I had performed more than a handful of solos in different programs from elementary to middle school. I tried music class my freshman year of HS too, but by then, I wanted out of it because it wasn’t “cool”. I wanted to smoke, drink and party. I fell away from God, not that we were that close at the time anyway. I quit everything I loved because I wanted to be cool.
Insert years of treating my body and life like it was an ashtray full of Captain Morgan that I sucked up my nose through a straw.
Fast forward to Jesus setting me straight and these most recent close to two years of my life. My love for music has come back full force. Every event I travel to, every church I visit, every Sunday at my home church, or here in my living room online becomes this intimate experience in worship that I can barely describe with words. The Lord has been working on me with stepping out. First with videos and then becoming more bold in groups. When the volume of the room is loud, I have the freedom to use my voice. It’s when it gets quiet that I freeze.
For some reason, I had been terrified of getting up in front of a microphone again. There have been a few times in the past where the Lord has given me words that are very short, that I know I need to deliver, yet I freeze. In meetings, during missions, I love the kingdom friendships but the spotlight, not so much. No matter what the size of the group, if I’m in a room with actual people and I have to have any type of public conversation, I shake, my legs don’t want to stand up, I feel nauseous and every physical part of my body feels like I need sit back down.
When I know that I know that I know it’s the Lord, I push through it and I speak. My voice shakes and sometimes(more often than not) I cry out of fear, or have to speak with my eyes closed; but I speak. Honestly, it is the hardest thing I ever do. That’s why I stick to videos I pre-record and not lives, that’s why I write.
The enemy attacks me constantly, attempting to have me doubt the truth of the word. The enemy says that my voice has been destroyed by smoking, drinking and yelling. The enemy tells me that I can’t be restored. The enemy tells me that the microphone will bring the magnifying glass. The enemy attacks with a spirit of fear. Fear of man, fear of rejection, fear of scrutiny, fear of being a disappointment, fear of failure, I can go on and on. It’s a constant battle to have my voice.
Recently I have been feeling the tug to purchase and learn to play the guitar. I’ve had this knowing, that I’d be blessed with the ability to learn, I’ve just put it off because the timing never felt right. During the mission trip I really felt the Lord pushing me to take this step. I remember my friend Jen praying over me in Mexico during our Holy Spirit Spa time and saying the Lord is giving you a new song. I ended up blessed with this beautiful way to sing in the Spirit. To me it felt like an expansion pack was just added to my prayer language.
Fast forward to being home, missing the worship, singing in my kitchen and missing our group meetings. During the vision I had Thursday night(my last blog) I broke down and was crying to the Lord. I began praying, both in English and spirit off and on. This continued for a few minutes and all of a sudden I began crying hard. My heart felt like it was broken in half. I started praying and asking the Lord to restore my voice. I started praying about being in front of masses and being able to sing to His children again but with a voice of truth and not the world. With words that cut the heart, restore the spirit, and don’t just tickle the ears. I’m going on and on in the spirit praying and declaring.
You ever start praying and you’re going off and then your ears catch up with your mouth and you’re like wait a minute what?!!! Yeah that was me there. I’m like woah Lord, no thank you. I’m not ready for that.
Fast forward to the meeting last night. The worship started out in this light and beautiful nature. It ushered in the presence of the Lord like a fresh breeze. As I was on the floor sitting with my arms raised I felt this huge ball drop into my lap. It felt like the size of the earth and I was crushed under the weight of it. “What are you gonna do with that, Ash?” I’m like, I can’t do anything I can’t even move. “Can you drop that ball, Ash?” No, Lord I can’t even move, I can’t breathe, it’s too much. “How can you drop a ball that you can’t even carry?” Slowly I felt it lift away. The Lord put on my heart that He carries the ball. We can’t drop it. As long as we have His heart, His Holy Spirit and keep in truth of the word, He carries the ball for us. Can we miss it, yes, but are we supposed to carry the weight to the point where it keeps us from moving forward in Christ at all? No!! The Lord carries it.
I continued to worship and I heard Kevin from the microphone say Ashley. My flesh was like nope not going up there so I did that thing where I side eye glance and then shut my eyes. Like if my eyes are closed he won’t see me or something 🤣. He says it again Ashley, and I’m like nope. Instantly the Lord reminded me of that prayer in my kitchen the night before. Kevin says my name again, Ashley and is motioning to the microphone. So I stand.
I walk up and I immediately froze. I was shaking like a leaf. I thought to myself just open your mouth, and I did. I opened my mouth in front of a room full of people and I sang into a microphone. For the first time in years, sober, I used my voice. For the first time in my life, I was singing truth, singing in tongues to a crowd. It felt like I went deaf so I couldn’t even hear myself at all. I just opened my mouth in obedience. The entire time my eyes were closed, my legs and arms where shaking, my knees could barely hold me up, but I stepped out in obedience. It was amazing.
During prayer, there were so many words spoken over me. The power of the Lord when it’s not a show, when it’s not for attention, when it is truly the presence of the Lord, is amazing. There are many that I’ll keep to my heart because they’re personal, but the one that I’ll speak about was when Andy prayed over me. He was praying to impart the gift of worship, praying over my voice and he paused and said something along the lines of “do you play, you don’t play, do you want to play guitar?” It was funny and I was shocked and started crying because the confirmation there was just crazy. I hadn’t really told anyone that was considering buying a guitar and taking lessons. It really blessed my heart to know that I’m on the right path and that I’m hearing from the Lord and being rewarded for my obedience.
It’s going to be a really amazing and fun year!!
Psalms 51:12 - Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit.
Isaiah 61:7 - For your shame [ye shall have] double; and [for] confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.
Acts 3:19-25
19 Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, 20 that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, 21 whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago. 22 Moses said, ‘The Lord God will raise up for you a prophet like me from your brothers. You shall listen to him in whatever he tells you. 23 And it shall be that every soul who does not listen to that prophet shall be destroyed from the people.’ 24 And all the prophets who have spoken, from Samuel and those who came after him, also proclaimed these days. 25 You are the sons of the prophets and of the covenant that God made with your fathers, saying to Abraham, And in your offspring shall all the families of the earth be blessed.’
Job 42:10 - And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.
1 John 5:4 - For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, [even] our faith.
Mark 11:24 - Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive [them], and ye shall have [them].
1 Peter 5:10 - But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].
Jeremiah 30:17-20
17 For I will restore health to you,
and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord,
because they have called you an outcast:
‘It is Zion, for whom no one cares!’
18 “Thus says the Lord:
Behold, I will restore the fortunes of the tents of Jacob and have compassion on his dwellings; the city shall be rebuilt on its mound, and the palace shall stand where it used to be.
19 Out of them shall come songs of thanksgiving, and the voices of those who celebrate. I will multiply them, and they shall not be few; I will make them honored, and they shall not be small.
20 Their children shall be as they were of old, and their congregation shall be established before me, and I will punish all who oppress them.
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