It's funny how the Lord will take the time to circle back to you with the things that He wants you to work on. Even when you've ignored him for years. I'd say since about the year 1999 the Lord has been dealing with me regarding patience and in usual Ashley fashion I would have none of it. Ever since the day I obtained my drivers license I have been rushing to run away from something to get to something else.
I'm not sure if that makes sense to you all so I will break it down. I waited so impatiently to get my first job, then to get my first car, then to finish school (so impatient that I peaced out Sr. year because all my back then friends graduated a year ahead of me), then I rushed to start trade school so I could rush to get a grown up job and make money and get out of my parents house. That led to school loans for two different career paths (flight attendant and computer networking) that I never liked enough to finish, and still pay money on. When I had a good job, I rushed to apply for other jobs that would offer more money, seldom enjoying my present position because I wanted more. More responsibility, more money, a more pristine title, my own office, my own corner office with a tv. Again, where did that get me? Working mon-fri office hours plus doing 24/7 on call work all with this sick twisted notion in my head that my performance made me worthy. Ignoring my daughter while I worked all evening. I was stuck in this delusion that I was valued based on my performance. You are not your performance. Sorry to tell ya.
Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.
When I dated, I rushed to get out of that house and to finally have a life with the one. Many years and many apartments and abusive relationships and suicide attempts later, I'd find myself questioning why the Lord never made things work out for me. Twisting my Christianity and faith in the Lord into this imaginary genie figure that I thought would give me whatever I prayed for and if He didn't that simply meant that I wasn't worthy. I was a fake fleshy "Christian" for many many years but that is a story for another day. Then I met Leah's dad. Every week we were in a rush to get to the weekend and get plastered. Every week we were planning on where to party and I'd always carry a Jan Sport backpack with me wherever we went that usually had a 5th and some juice in it. I was known around this area as "Belle Vernon". Little did I know that if a guy doesn't talk to his friends about you or introduce you by name, the respect for who you are, is probably not there at all. But I wanted to feel like I belonged to a group, to a family. So I'd drink and I'd party. I'd cuss and I'd get into fights with my big mouth. I was really good at tearing people apart with my words in a drunken rants. I'd throw myself at him every night and think that if I was good enough, he would want me forever and I'd finally feel like I belonged and could have a family. I wonder if he was ever really in love with me. I know that I was so excited to have someone to want me around. We went through the steps of getting a house and moving in. When it was good, it was good, but when it was bad, look out. I felt used so I'd hint for a ring. If only I got married then I'd be worthy of love. Note to self and all of you, If you have to push anyone for anything, it's not worth it. Walk away. You should never have to push people ever. Don't.
Psalms 27:14 - Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Even after marriage I was unsettled. It's funny how you take with you the demons you grow up with, without even knowing it. Rage, Hurt, Envy, Jealousy, Alcoholism it was all I knew. Then I thought, if I could just be a mom I would have this unconditional love. If I could just hold my own baby, things would change. See, I never really had an example of what a marriage should look like growing up. I saw what I didn't want to live like. I saw the hurt and rage, alcoholism, drug use and porn, but I never saw a real family. So there I sat growing up watching things like Full House and Boy Meets World. I'd see tv families and think ok, this just happens when you have kids. I'd watch MTV spring break and think ok this was what college kids did. So in my twisted little mind I thought people partied in their 20's and then had a family and it would magically turn into Full House or some tv sitcom relationship where no one drinks and people go on family vacations and everyone is all happy. I thought that it just happened like that. So Leah comes along and the partying doesn't stop for anyone but me. I sit there watching everyone have fun, driving Leah's dad home at 1, 2, 3am. Being designated driver once or twice thinking that it would make people like me. When Leah came, things changed for me but not for anyone else. It led to frustration, feeling unheard, me trying to leave and being threatened that the car would be reported stolen if I did. I'd hear about how I wouldn't have anything without him and I believed it because I didn't know better. I was a kid who lost her identity trying to please everyone around me. I decided to get a full time job and try to handle things on my own. This led to a very messy ending to my marriage and me feeling very lost.
Here is the thing, when we are hurting, when we feel lost, we will run to anything that will bring us comfort. We will seek familiarity, we will seek to not feel antsy. Again I found myself drinking very heavily, daily, and falling head over heels for someone else hoping to be rescued from myself. Idealizing this life we would have together, idealizing moving away and traveling. Not thinking about what it would do to Leah, only wanting this fairy tale life that I saw on tv. I honestly don't remember much of that year, I was drinking so much, I was an emotional mess, and all I did was hurt others with this tornado rampage of what I called my life. I was a terrible person that year and it by far hurts me the worst when I think about who I was during that time. So many times the devil has used me like a puppet to tear people down, to hurt them, to abuse and abandon them. I had no idea that the devil was playing me as a fool for all these years. I was so blind.
Then when that didn't work out, I rushed into other jobs, putting my value back into my work and how well I performed. Probably because I was searching for value, and who I was as a person was not paying the bills. Who I was in my personal life didn't matter as long as I was performing. As long as I was hitting goals and making money the person I was behind closed doors didn't matter. The Jezebel spirit was all over me using sex to manipulate people into giving me what I wanted. I always wanted something else. That is one of the main tactics of the enemy, unrest. Making you feel that what you have now isn't good enough, making you feel like change is necessary for happiness. Making you so busy chasing your tail for "happiness" that you don't even have time to think about the bible, or the Lord, or who you really are, or what you have done. The enemy is always in a hurry to get you no where.
Then the Lord blessed me with my house. I thought once I did the floors, once I did Leah's room, once the back yard looked nice. Once this or once that, THEN I'll be able to relax. Then I will be able to enjoy life. Then Nash unexpectedly came along. I thought I wanted another marriage. I thought I had finally found a man of the Lord who would show me how to act and what a marriage should be. Little did I know that my own demons didn't want any part of that. We would fight bad, then make up, then fight, then make up. Then I got a good hard look in the mirror. Everything he was doing to me, I had done to others. The emotional ups and downs, the side comments, the snarky remarks when I would try to be nice. I could see how I was to other people now that I had someone being that way to me. He did get me into church, He introduced me to the Holy Spirit. Yet I still had an unwelcoming taste in my mouth because I was told that if I was a good Christian woman then I would...; if I was who I sat in church pretending to be, then I'd ...; it could have been anything that he said after those words, but they always made me feel like the Lord expected me to put up with certain things because a good Christian woman would. That got me confused because a relationship with the Lord is not supposed to manipulate you. Convict, yes, manipulate, no.
So once again I try to go after taking care of things on my own. If I can handle it and just keep people pushed away enough, I'll be fine. If I can just hunker down and take care of the kids and the bills I'll be fine. But I wasn't fine. I was demonized, I was angry, I was hurt, I held a victim mentality of never wanting to accept my role in any of it. I held onto this prideful performance driven need for acceptance and love that I got from Adam when he ate the tree. That was the first sin, selfishness, self preservation, saying it was the woman you gave me. Saying if she didn't give it to me I wouldn't have eaten it, then she says well the devil made me do it and again that's self preservation, selfishness. If you didn't ....then I wouldn't have .....; That is dangerous territory man. I have spent 36 years tangled in the original sin not even realizing that was what it was.
Philippians 2:21 - For all seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ's.
Now I am back to work and beginning to feel unsettled, to feel an urge to take control of my life and make big decisions, to rush to the finish line and not even enjoy the present. But this time I have the Lord. This time I have a gentle reminder of "Hey Ash, remember the messes you keep making, could you not do that this time?" and I argue with my flesh that's wanting to take control and clap back with "Aren't you the Lord and don't you work all things out for good no matter what I do?". I'm pretty sure if Jesus could look me directly in the eyes and then roll his eyes at me at that comment He would. But, in all honesty, how many of us think that way? We use the Lord as a get out of jail card. We know he is up there watching us, making sure we are ok, so we take things into our own hands how many times? What does that get us? Nothing but frustration, bitterness, and hurt. Nothing but more time questioning why the Lord isn't anointing your path. Here's your answer, because until your path lines up with HIS path He doesn't have to.
Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Galatians 6:9 - And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
It may have taken me 36 years to finally get this whole waiting on the Lord thing, but now that I have it, I am going to make the choice to rest in His peace and not my own understanding.
So this is my lesson to you, wait on the Lord. Trust His timing. Trust that he will make a way for you and that He will work all things out for good. Trust that you can rest in HIM, have peace of mind and just enjoy the ride.
The journey is going to be amazing.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He hath made every [thing] beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
Habakkuk 2:3 - For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 - To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
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