31. Oceans is a powerful song for me. I heard this song for the first time this past weekend at Crossroads Alliance church. I can’t remember if it was Sunday morning or evening service but I remember Jesus showing up. My hands were up in worship as this song started. As soon as the first verse was over, I wasn’t in church anymore. I mean my physical body was, but my spirit, oh man my spirit was out in the middle of the ocean.
I remember not being afraid. I remember the feeling of the cool water rising all round me and yet my Spirit was at peace. No fear, but I was all alone. There was no one and nothing in sight as far as I could see. Anywhere I looked I saw nothing but water. Water that was rising and rising fast.
Isaiah 43:2
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:
when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:
when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
I remember the volume of the music rising and as it did I felt the cool water rising all around me. I distinctly remember never feeling that I was walking on top of the water, and never feeling that I could stand on my own. It was too deep. The ocean was too big for me. I was solely relying on the Lord showing up to save me before I drown. I knew that I couldn’t do this on my own. I just couldn’t. The feeling of the water rising started mid calf level and rose up. I felt the water rising up my legs, up to my waist, up to my chest and as it rose to my chin level and I began to experience the fear of drowning, my right arm was grabbed.
Isaiah 41:13 - For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
It felt as if Jesus had his whole arm reaching down to grab me. I remember that he didn’t grab my hand, my wrist, or even my forearm. He had my arm, my whole arm with his hand firmly grasping my bicep. My right hand was grasping his arm as well, up past his elbow in the same bicep area. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t move my hand or arm or even wiggle my fingers. I didn’t want to slip out of his grasp. His firm but gentle and loving hand was wrapped around my arm and my arm was stretched out grasping his. Jesus held me so tight that there was no way He was letting go. Wave after wave I felt safe and secure and loved. He held my whole arm with the same strength I’d imaging grabbing Leah with, as if I was laying on the shore and she was about to be swept into the rapids of Ohio Pyle. There would be nothing that could convince me to break my grasp and let her go. Nothing. She is mine and I am hers.
He loves all of you with that same love.
Jeremiah 31:3 - The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, [saying], Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.
Ephesians 3:17-19 - That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love
As the lyrics of this song began to touch my heart, I began to feel the waves. The water was up to my cheeks when a wave would come. Any time that I would look down, my face would be submerged in the water. I had to keep my chin up, I had to keep looking to Jesus. The minute I’d try to put my chin down, even the slightest, my face was hit with a wave that would take my breath away. “Look unto me always” I heard.
Hebrews 12:2 King James Version (KJV)
2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
The lyrics of this song hit me pretty hard. “Where my trust is without borders” was huge for me. I never trusted anyone. It always seemed to me that everyone was playing a game of chess and that the people and situations in life were to be manipulated to gain whatever ground you needed to gain. I began to realize with those lyrics and the arm of Jesus grasping me so tight what trust really is. I could trust that I’d be ok. For the first time in my life I feel like I can trust that things will be ok without worry. Without trying to control and manipulate situations and people in my life. I feel a love for everyone and trust in the lord that is on a level that I can’t even describe or deserve.
Psalms 9:10 - And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
Proverbs 3:5-6 King James Version (KJV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
The lyrics “you are mine and I am yours” spoke volumes to me on a level that I can’t bring words to describe. As much as I love and forgive my parents, I’ve moved away from everyone in my family for a reason. I thought that if I was away from everyone that my heart would heal and that I could forgive and let it all go. I moved away from all of my friends and my family to get married and start a new life. I thought that was my happily ever after. I spent every weekend drinking and partying because it was what everyone did. I was so depressed but just kept drinking all the time to try and feel better. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me because everyone was always so happy and I was always so depressed, sad and angry. I constantly felt empty and alone and unheard unless I was drunk, then I felt funny and depressed, empty, alone and unheard. After Leah was born, I thought that having kids was what turned everyone into that amazing church family. I thought there would be no more late nights and that my husband and I would bond over this new life and that things would be all cookie cutter Hallmark movie. I never had that feeling in my own family and I desperately thought that I could have it now that I had my own child. The only happy families I ever saw were on TV so that was my expectation of what a real family would be like. Again I was completely wrong. I admit I didn’t handle things the right way at all but I honestly feel that having a baby should change your entire life. It should change the way you prioritize things for both parents not just one. You should come together to do the things a family can do with a new baby, not divide and begin to do everything separately. Then due to my crappy demonized thinking and actions, I lost the family I moved out to this area for and I was truly all alone and unwanted. Like always.
Romans 8:18 - For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Micah 7:5 - Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.
Every time I let people in I was hurt. Even when you try to let people go because you think they will be happier without you, or because you know they will end up moving away, theres hurt. Especially when they are in the same situation you broke it off for them to avoid. Every time I put my heart out there I feel like it’s been crushed. Even after meeting Nash’s dad Erik and his family and starting to feel included there, that demonic feeling like you’re just not even worthy to be involved in something like that would creep in. I felt I wasn’t clean enough, that I’d never be good enough to have a happy life, I’d never deserve a real family that had church values. I didn’t deserve that life. I wasn’t good enough. I always just felt alone and out of place. The devil, the spirit of trauma, the orphan spirit, the python spirit and all their other stupid jerk demon friends had me all jacked up. It destroyed my relationship with Erik just like all the others. My evil thinking had me beyond jacked up my entire life. I had to get it all out through deliverance and inner healing. I can assure you if I didn’t; I’d still be a miserable angry b who says the f word all day long.
Luke 8:2 - And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils
Ephesians 6:12 King James Version (KJV)
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
James 2:19 - Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.
Galatians 5:17 - For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.
Now, years later, here in this church, during this song, for the first time in my whole life I didn’t feel alone or out of place or like people just put up with me being around and rolled their eyes when I walked away. I was finally able to experience what love felt like through those words. “You are mine, and I am yours”. Unconditional, never ending love. It feels amazing. I can’t listen to this song without crying, I just can’t.
I will forever remember the strength of his arm holding me above the water and how amazing it felt to keep looking up. The way that wave after wave I had no fear of drowning as long as I was looking up. I’ll never look down again.
Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:
Now Ash, why do you do all this writing and over sharing? Do you really think people care about you and your life? Do you really think that your side of the story will change peoples opinions of you or of Jesus? Well, Nay Sayer, you’re reading this aren’t you? I’m not doing this to change people’s opinions of me, but I am doing it to change peoples opinions regarding their relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. I am finally free from having concern over pride, perceived rejection, jealousy, rage and criticism. I am finally free from depression, feelings of unworthyness, suicidal thoughts. I’m not mean anymore! I am not hate filled and anger filled anymore. Those things were what would have me worried about what people think and they are no longer my bondage.
James 5:16 - Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Psalm 143:8 King James Version (KJV)
8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
You see, Jesus is going to eventually reach out to each and every one of you in the same way. I can’t say that I know how, but I know, that I know, that I know that He will. My favorite thing about being with other Christians and making new friends is hearing the stories about how Jesus touches lives and how those lives transform. Those stories aren’t meant to be shared with your small circle and your immediate family. They’re meant to be your testimony to the world and to your town to share the gospel message of Jesus. It’s crazy how many people will private message me with their own amazing experiences but they won’t comment or like a post. Stop hiding your faith!!! The world needs Jesus now more than ever and your testimony will change the world. No matter how small you think it is.
2 Timothy 1:8 - Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
Revelation 12:11 - And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
Psalms 66:16 - Come [and] hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.
Matthew 10:32 - Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.
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