1. Whats with you Ash? 9.28.19

1. What’s with you Ash? It’s a question I’ve heard audibly and have seen through looks and sideways glances my whole life but more so over the last few weeks. Well, honestly I’m about to provide a testimony that will shed some light on not what’s with me, but WHO is with me. But first, a few more questions I could get from a many of you...

Who are you to be team Jesus all of a sudden? Didn’t you purposely hit me with your car? Didn’t you attempt to stab me once? Didn’t you drive me three hours away to Ohio and leave me there? Didn’t you steal? Didn’t you lie? Didn’t you cheat? Didn’t you steal a truck once? Didn’t you do/buy/sell drugs? Didn’t you almost rob a gas station once? Didn’t you attempt suicide at 19? didn’t you move away and cut off talking to almost everyone in your family? Didn’t you spend years drinking/smoking your pain away? Weren't you one of the biggest narcissists that ever walked this green earth? Who are you Ash to all of a sudden be walking around all “Hey guys come to church, you all need to experience Jesus?!” You’re a hypocrite, you’re not qualified, you’re not the church type! What gives you the right to do any of this, you f*$&?! lunatic. You’ve lost your mind. This will just be a phase, you watch.

1 Corinthians 1:27  (KJV)
27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

Well, to answer your questions, yes I did all of that. I’ve also experienced a complete physical HEALING that you’ll hear about shortly. Some of you have done similar terrible things, some of you have done worse and some of you have never done anything remotely like that (I’ll get you a cookie for that here in a bit and you can eat it on your high horse while you judge me, but hear me out first) We all have different journeys, different lives and different paths to walk out in this lifetime. Most importantly we all have Jesus to turn it all around.

When you are a child of God, you will often find yourself in the most difficult life situations, enduring traumatic events and experiences. I can’t say that there are reasons for this that I understand because I never will, at least not until the day that Christ returns. What I can tell you that I feel lead to say is this...that these things happen in your life because you are the one that is equipped to go through those specific situations with the ability to RECOVER from them and bring glory to the Lord God in the process. Jesus sees you when you’re young and crying yourself to sleep. Jesus sees you when you’re in the wrong crowd doing wrong things while your heart is pulling you away. He understands that you have a good heart but your flesh doesn't want you to be seen as one of those church kids and be mocked and lose your friends (who really aren’t your friends but that’s another story) He’s sad about it, but he never leaves you. He sees your spirit and heart while your physical body is sinning. Every day. He sees the way the enemy tries to snuff him out of your life and the way you hold on to your faith in Him even if it’s by a tiny thread.

Fast forward to Erik getting me to go back to church about two years ago. I don’t think I could thank him enough for this. This is a different kind of church. This is the church that will change my whole life. This isn’t your Protestant put water on a baby’s forehead and their good their whole life church. (No offense mom, I’m glad I was baptized, your heart was in the right place) this isn’t a Methodist church, this isn’t religion like I’ve ever experienced religion in my whole life. Instantly your knocked over with the presence of the Holy Spirit before you even realize what it is. So, I say maybe this church thing isn’t so bad. Leah likes bible school, I’ll just sit in the back. The less people I make eye contact with the less awkward conversation I’ll have to have and the less I’ll have to pretend that “I’m fine”. So you’re in that presence and it’s obvious the way the Holy Spirit is working through people. Pastor Harry has this way of speaking that uses the word to convict you and bring you closer to Jesus without condemning you and making you feel like you don’t belong there. Rachel and all of the other ladies of the church are all so warm and welcoming. People you meet are seen as genuinely nice, which bred internal suspicion in my flesh because it had to be fake, and it’s weird and scary sometimes with the prayer language if you’re not used to it and people touch each other laying hands to pray. This is kinda crazy I don’t know how I feel about it. I have my OCD and germ issues and touch issues from abuse and now people are here laying hands on people and praying and trying to touch me. It freaked my flesh out. No lie. But if you can get over yourself and feel what is the Holy Spirits presence instead of thinking with your mind and thinking I gotta get out of here it becomes this strange warm, relaxing, freeing feeling. The more you go, the less weird it gets and the more you feel like you’re coming home to a place you never knew you left. You realize that these people are good people and they do care and they are flawed just like I am and it’s like having a family when you don’t have one at home.

So now I’m going to church and seeing adults being baptized and dedicating themselves to Jesus and I am seeing the happiness on peoples faces during worship and I’m hearing the word and I’m thinking to myself, I want that. I want that peace, I want that joy, I want that rest! But then the doubt and floods of negative thoughts and emotions come saying you’re not good enough, you’ll never have that, you’ll never experience happiness, you’ve been depressed your whole life, they’ve been in church their whole lives (see how the enemy likes to make assumptions on things), you can’t be like them. You weren’t born to that kind of family, you don’t have people like this in your life. Go back home and put on your Joyce Meyer and think about how your mind is being controlled by negative thoughts and try to fight them off your whole life. You’ll never have that. You’ll never experience rest, you’re the most anxious and nervous person ever. You’ll never get more than 3 hours of sleep a night, your brain won’t shut off, your racing thoughts won’t cease.
Let me tell you first hand that Satan is a LIAR. Your negative thoughts are LIES, your insecurity is a LIE, your feeling of not being good enough is a LIE!! You can have everything those people have through the Holy Spirit!

So I think about baptism as an adult and I know it’s something that I feel in my soul will catapult me to this new level of closeness and dedication to the lord. But, I put it off. I put it off because I knew if I did that and sinned afterwards I’d be a hypocrite, I put if off because I was not ready to give up bad habits that made me happy, I was not ready to come up to where He was in my behavior so I put it off. Now, I’m glad I did. You’ll know when it’s the right time in your journey. However, what I would warn against is waiting because you feel that you aren’t good enough to get in that water. JESUS WILL MEET YOU WHERE YOU ARE IN ORDER TO BRING YOU WHERE YOU NEED TO GO! Don’t wait because you feel you aren’t good enough. He’s waiting for you to come home.

So I think and I pray about it and I keep thinking it has to be the ocean. If I get baptized it has to be the ocean that cleanses me. In my heart I see the waters that Jesus baptized with and I see them touching the other side of the earth and the molecules of that water touch other molecules of water and they run together so somehow in my heart I am feeling so strong that ocean water has this healing property. This stays on my heart for over a year. Fast forward to me having baby Nash last year (out of wedlock, I mean if I could have a badge for every sin I’d have a Girl Scout sash). Lighting fast labor with no pain meds and them barely getting me in a bed or an IV in my arm before he tore me in half coming out (moms can relate) since his birth I had horrible hip and leg pain, I gained so much weight, I was limping and leaning on shopping carts and struggling. I was crying in bed at night from the pain. For so long I was in pain almost daily. I went to the Chiropractor multiple times, I tried everything I could think to do. Now, they ask in church if you need prayer but I’m thinking that’s for cancer, that’s for major issues, that’s not something I’m worthy of. I can handle this. Jesus has bigger fish to fry than my leg and hip pain. That was the enemy in my thoughts. You are worthy of prayer, no matter who you are or what situation you’re in. If you need prayer call me or message me, I’ll pray with you no judgement. You can come to our church in Uniontown (Grace Community) and we will pray for you, no judgement.

Back to my story, so Ryan says that we can take the kids to the beach this year. My heart almost stopped. This was it, this was my chance to get to that ocean. My heart was so happy, I instantly thought to myself I have to talk to Kelly and Dave, I have to message them and see if PD will baptize me in the ocean. I have to get to that water. They reply and are so warm and happy to come. We decided on the Friday night before we leave to go home. I kept thinking to myself, you can’t let that water touch your head until God is with you and you know it. I just felt that in my heart I had to have the Holy Spirit with me when that water touched my head. All week, I’d get in to my waist and play with the kids but I never let it touch my head. The place we stayed was absolutely beautiful and I can’t thank Ryan enough for what he has done and continues to do for me and the kids, but it was a third story walk up. Three flights of stairs up and down carrying a twenty pound toddler for a lady who can barely walk around Walmart from hip and leg pain. I was in pain but mostly ok until about Wednesday. We went down to the beach and I had to take Nash up for his nap and I forgot my phone in the bag down at the beach thinking I didn't need the door code because the door was unlocked. I get up three flights to the top and lo and behold, the door was locked and I can’t get in the room. At this point I am in so much hip and leg and knee pain I’m in tears. I forgot the code to the door and the pic of the code was down in the bag on my phone and I just slunk down to the floor sat there by the door holding a sleeping Nash, crying thinking I can’t get back down there and back up again, there’s no way. This pain is going to kill me. My hip and leg and knee felt electrified with pain. I remember I got like half way to the umbrella with tears streaming down my face in pain holding a sleeping Nash and I am screaming to Leah to come and meet me and she runs over like omg what’s wrong. She got me the phone and I limped my way back up with Nash and got inside. When I got to the couch, I was like I can’t do this anymore God, I can’t take care of these kids in this pain I just can’t do it. I’m being a crap mom, I can’t walk to the park, I can barely walk around Walmart and I’m crying out saying my kids deserve better, the mother they have is not the mother they deserve to have and my soul just instantly like a gust of wind calmed down and I felt “I got you”. The pain wasn’t gone but the frustration and anger was. I felt these words in my soul “I got you just where I want you. I have to break you or you will never listen. When do you come to me Ash, when do you seek me? You try to handle everything on your own when you need to give it all to ME. You seek me when you are broken mentally, broken emotionally and when you are in too much physical pain to bear. When I deliver you, I slip your mind. Why can’t you seek me in every moment. Why wait until you can’t bear the pain in your heart, mind, or physical body to come to me for rest. I care about everything, big and small. You are not too small for me. Your pain is not to small for me. You are mine” so in all honestly my flesh is wrestling with this like I've just taken a hit of acid and am tripping out, how can I feel sentences being spoken without sound, how can I feel this knowing. Yeah right God. This is bs, I'm going to be miserable and in pain, this is my lot in life. I have a rheumatologist appointment coming up they will tell me it’s RA and I’ll be in pain forever on pain meds. I can’t say I didn’t doubt, because I did. That same doubt is why I waited a month to make this post.

So Friday comes and PD and Kelly show up and they have this amazing energy that can only be explained by the presence of the Holy Spirit. We go down to the beach and they dedicate Nash. I am trying so hard to hold back tears thinking this is it, this is my salvation, this is my point of change, this is my new life and at the same time as I am walking into the ocean being led by PD with that water rising up my calf to my legs, the enemy has me flooded with thoughts of YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS, how dare you blasphemy God as the sinner you are and hypocrite you are getting in that water with a pastor like Jesus is going to save you. Who are you? I mean, if there was a negative attacking thought about how undeserving and what a piece of shit I’ve been my whole life (pardon my french but driving a point home) it was flooding me so hard that I could barely hear the words that PD was speaking over me. But I KNEW, I knew inside I knew I was not backing down. I knew that I had to give it my all. I remember crossing my arms and falling back and it was like as soon as my face was covered with that water, I felt freedom. I felt release, I felt the weight of the world coming off my shoulder and when I came out of that ocean I was a new person. I walked back and got a towel and walked up the stairs, we had dinner with really nice conversation and a nice visit. During the dinner my mind was flooded with doubt that it worked, doubt that I was new, doubt that things will change. Doubt that I’d have changed behaviors, every doubt that could be I had. They left and Ryan went to bed and I was up with the kids for a bit. I did laundry, and cleaned up and got them to bed and my leg wasn’t sore. So, then I got the garbage together and thought I can walk it down to the dumpster so I took two bags of trash down. Hmm I’m still ok, I’ll pack up and take some more stuff down. I took the pack and play, suitcases, multiple bags of garbage down, I cleaned out the truck and took that bag over to the dumpster. I finished getting all I could together down and in the truck. I looked at the clock it was almost 3am. So I though ok I’m going to go down and walk on the beach so I walk through the sand, no knee pain, I walk down by the water and it’s dark and there’s no one there and I just broke down. I broke down crying and thanking God for taking my pain away. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it sometimes. I keep waking up every day thinking it will come back. That’s why it took me so long to write this post because my flesh is still attacked with doubt and it’s like NO, no there is no doubt. There is NO DOUBT I’m healed. I cancelled my rheumatologist appointment. I don’t need it. Since I’ve been back from vacation I kept thinking ok I’ll push it too far and the pain will be back. So I walked up to the cross at Jumonville. I thought if anything brings this pain back it will be that mountain. NO PAIN. I have been pain free for a month. PAIN FREE!

So this is my testimony: There will come a point in your life that you will become so frustrated with your situation and so frustrated with the way that you feel inside and out. You will be exhausted mentally and physically by how everything you’ve tried to help yourself with isn’t working that you will be willing to try anything for help. Try Jesus.

And for those who have tried Jesus, let’s get crazy and ask have you tried deliverance?!?! Someone shared a post from a guy named Kevin. I thought hmm what’s this about. Hmm well I mean if baptism took my pain away maybe this will work for my anxiety and depression. And I watch this video and it’s powerful and he’s speaking to things and casting things down that I’d have never thought in a million years were things that could attach and affect a person this way. I watched that video twice, the second time I threw up in my sink. Then I started looking at more of his videos and to be honest this is that radical stuff that I’d have scoffed at years ago and I’m like mesmerized by all of this. I can’t speak on it but I would encourage you to try this. Try it in the privacy of your home, just you and the Lord God. If you’re too worried about what it will look like or what it will feel like, try it at home. What if it works? I’m 36 and for the first time in my life I am free from depression, I am free from anxiety, I’m hugging and talking to strangers, I’m caring (like deeply caring) about people I don’t even know. I’m less critical and mean, I’m NOT YELLING, I’m not angry, Miracles happen. I’ll post a link to the deliverance video I watched in the comments here.

If you’ve tried everything else, try Jesus! It’s not an instant turn around but it it’s a step that will change your life I promise you!!

If you’re trying Jesus and you’re discouraged, I encourage you to keep going. Every moment spent in the word is a seed sewn, every time you go to church you’re planing a seed, every time you choose kindness you’re planting a seed, every time you choose patience, forgiveness it’s a seed. Random acts of kindness are the Holy Spirit reminding you that you’re loved, trying to prompt you to connect with one another and connect to the greater God through the Holy Spirit. Keep trying, keep praying. HE HEARS YOUR PRAYERS!!!

If you’re going to church and maybe you’re uncomfortable and you’re thinking of stopping that’s the enemy keeping you snuffed down. Every time you try to go and set your alarm and turn it off, that’s the enemy trying to keep you farther from God. The enemy will see your progress and do nothing to stop you from getting closer to God, closer to Jesus, closer to the Holy Spirit and closer to going HOME! The closer you are the more adversaries against you. That’s when you know, that’s when you know how close you are to your breakthrough!!

If your uncomfortable with prayer language that’s the enemy keeping you from feeling those tears of joy streaming down your face and language coming out of you that you’ve never known, coming from a place of complete euphoric bliss that you never knew was capable with a grin on your face that can’t be wiped off. Plant the seed. Get past the discomfort, because the more uncomfortable you are the closer you are to complete freedom from oppression and darkness.

Don’t be too chicken shit to try. What if it works?!