Sometimes you need a reminder of how far you’ve come in such a short time. Today I dropped Leah off for breakfast with her gram before school like a normal day. Sandy came out to the car with a book and a hello for Nash man. She was holding this card for me in her hand. Leah had made it for me for Christmas, forgot about it and she just found it under the coffee table while she was cleaning up. Talk about crying in the car on a Monday morning.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
In December things were heavy. Nash and I had been sick a lot in October, November and December. Leah had been staying with her gram more because we were so sick. We were going through antibiotics and testing negative for the c word. A few days before Christmas I noticed water really leaking out by the tub. A call to Allstate and a hidden leak later, my house was being turned upside down and I found mold under the wood floor in the bathroom. I was upset, to say the least and the kids and I had to get out of there. I spent so much time crying about this. Why didn’t I listen and sell the year before when the Lord told me to? Why did we have to get sick, why does this have to happen and put me in a health and financial bind right before Christmas. This added so much more weight on my shoulders. I was already carrying the conviction of missing the Lords direction, reaping what I had sown in that area all year, gaining weight, feeling physically horrible, as well as the shock of my dads passing, it felt like a spiritual whirlwind that entire year.
I’m thankful and blessed for the help from Leahs dad Ryan. I’d be in a really bad spot if it wasn’t for him. We don’t always get along, but we co-parent and work together on projects extremely well. Every time I’ve needed help, he has been there and I can’t thank the Lord enough for that. Who else would turn their entire life and home upside down for me and the kids because we are in a bind? Romans 8:28.
Things began to change when I attended New Year’s Eve weekend Sunday night service that Kevin held at New Hope in Ambridge. I felt the oppression and torment of 6 months lift after Garret had offered to pray for me that night. I was feeling breakthrough for the first time in a long time. Then at the end of January I had that trip to NY where I was ordained and immediately blew out my knee. Romans 8:28.
The Lord wanted my attention and He got it. He is a jealous God. In that moment I was humbled. In another moment, I failed and yelled at a friend. I wasn’t myself. I had to repent and apologize. I had let the stress of work that whole month, the physical pain of that current injury and mental frustration of the unknown rise to the surface and I failed to show the fruits of the spirit big time. I needed the Lord to step in and as always, He did. The Lord made me realize that it wasn’t about getting things done in a rush and projects anymore. It wasn’t about working myself to death burning myself out all day and being frustrated and drained by the time I got home anymore. It wasn’t about the laundry and the kids and cleaning anymore. It wasn’t about what people were going to think anymore. It was about more of the Lord and Him having more of my heart.
Physically I couldn’t do much, I was crawling up the stairs, in a ton of pain, barely able to stand long and even getting the laundry out of the washer was an ordeal. Yet in those moments I wasn’t angry anymore, I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t frustrated, I was being purified in the fire and I was feeling the burn. I was being shown who was there to help and who wasn’t.
The Lord began to speak very clearly about what to strip away and what to do. I kept the appointments He wanted me to keep and I cancelled what He told me to cancel. I put in my two week notice at work and I prayed more than I ever have before. I began waking up in the middle of the night to pray. Spending hours thanking the Lord. I began to be radically and instantly obedient again. I fell back in love with reading and listening to the scriptures like I did the first time I felt Jesus with me in my kitchen back in 2019.
I kept going after Jesus. I fasted. I prayed. I worshipped. I resisted temptations. I spent more time playing on the floor with the kids. I spent more time snuggling Nash, and more time talking with Leah. I spent more time saying thank you Lord than I did being critical. She even went to a few church events with me again like she used to. I signed up for a Bachelors/Masters program at school, and within a few weeks it all lined up. Allstate finally paid me to begin repair of the bathroom although they low balled me because it wasn’t deemed sudden and immediate damage due to how long it had been leaking behind the scenes. In January I had no time and no money with work and in February and March I had money and no leg. My medical bills drained the savings I was expecting to have left over. I thought my house would be done and sold by now. Roman’s 8:28 spin, I ended up having a talk with my boss and staying on in a part time casual role while I finish school. When I got the all clear to do life normal from PT last week, the very next day I started cleaning out my house so they can begin the repair work and get this house repaired and on the market. I’ll be remodeling the bathroom and the kitchen making sure everything is healthy for the new owners and then I’ll be on to my next journey in life within these next few weeks/months. I go back the 21st to get the all clear from the orthopedic surgeon for no surgery. No surgery in Jesus name.
Something broke off of me on Friday night at the service at Kevin’s. Something that’s been holding me back for a year and will never hold me back again. Fear of man, approval seeking, perfectionism, emotional codependency, control, critical spirits and fear of the future.
I read this card and cried. Not because of the words in this card, but because of the way Leah and I were laughing this weekend during our shopping trip. Because of the way the Lord and PT have me strong enough to jump with my knee again in only two months. Because I’m down 40lbs since October and have energy and feel good again. Because I’m closer to my Lord, to my kids, to myself again. Because I’m being thankful instead of critical. Because praying for two hours every night isn’t enough anymore. Because that Bible comes alive like I’m walking it out every time I open it and turn a page or read a passage on my app. Because radical obedience ushers in miracles. Because I am crying happy tears and not sad tears anymore and I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store next!!!!
I share so much because my life is a testimony to glorify the Lord. To those that are new, I have blogged like this for years. He is in every detail. He loves you. He wants to do life with you. I encourage you to find Him in all the details.
I love you Leah. You have Jesus in you. I am so blessed to be your mom! 💕 💗
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